"2010 in Review" or "The Year I Grew Up."

Friday, December 31, 2010

I'm looking back through old blog posts and waxing nostalgic at who I was a year ago. In the last year so many things have changed, I've changed, my life has changed. It's interesting to go backwards. So, in my nostalgia, I'm taking you with me. Hope you enjoy the ride.

January:

My very first post of the year was an obituary for my brother-in-law Gary. Gary killed himself right after Christmas last year. I had never dealt with death as an adult, and I didn't really deal with his either. My mother was in the hospital for surgery, and it was up to me to kind of coordinate and take care of everything. I was the grown-up, and soldiered on. I was so blessed to be gifted 5 days of paid time off at work to take care of my sister, and I had free babysitting from my cousin. It was so good to see Bobbie and Rex, but sad circumstances.

February:

I got pregnant! Though we didn't tell anyone until April, I got knocked up about Valentines day, and had a positive test to show Honey by the 22nd. I was so excited to get to do this surrogacy for my best friend. It really did define my year, as everything that happened later was all about me being healthy and safe, because I was caring for my best friend's son's life.

May:

We got to see Daemon for the first time, and saw he was a boy! My own life seemed to be slowly falling apart. I couldn't tell what was going on at the time, but things weren't happy around my house. I watched TV all the time, I'd lost a lot of weight from stress and morning-sickness. I wasn't being much of a mom, because I was so sick, tired, and unhappy. Not a good few months there...
July:

When it all went down. Discovered the affair, and the plans for a divorce attorney. Moved the hell out of dodge... and in with my mom. We decided I'd stay there until Daemon was born... she'd take care of me. And I really needed it. During July I lost 15 pounds, while 6 months pregnant. All my levels were bad... and my midwife was worried. Luckily some home cooking and some mommy healing made things better. I did get to spend more time with my boo, which was nice.

October:

The month of so many things! My birthday, Halloween, and the last month of Daemon's incubation. It was truly the longest month of my life. I started having false labor on the 8th, and it continued until Daemon's birth in November. I always thought labor was iminent. I felt terrible, huge, and sick. I was so ready to have this baby! I mean... look how huge I was! I thought it'd never come time...

November:

I went past my due date of Nov. 5 by 8 days!! Daemon was FINALLY born on November 13, after 60 hours of labor. I wrote my labor story out earlier in the blog, so I won't rehash. But it was life-changing. As was completing a family. I am so blessed to have gotten to be a part of this journey!!


And then? Then I got to move into my house! It's amazing. If you haven't seen it, you're missing out. I'm just sayin...

And now December:

It's been fun re-writing all our traditions for two. Bekah and I have had a lovely holiday season. We did a fun advent calender, went and saw Santa, and had Grammy over for Christmas Eve. It was lovely, and I can't wait to continue other traditions with Bekah. She's a pretty cool kid, and I love her so much.

So now this is my life, and I can't even write how much things have changed for me. It's like a new life, and I'm happy/thrilled/terrified about it. I can't wait for the next year of adventures for us... I hope you'll enjoy the ride as much as I do!

Enjoyed

So far this has been a lovely holiday weekend, and it's just beginning! Last night Bekah and I just hung out (nowhere to go in a snowstorm!) and ad fun playing together. After she went to bed, I dyed my blue hair purple. It looks like of indigo in the back now. Very cool, yet also more subtle than the blue was. I'll see if I like this better. And hopefully it won't turn green as it fades.

Then I did my yoga. I'm a purple haired yoga doer. :D

Today I put all the Christmas stuff away, and am cleaning the house. Ah what a lazy and relaxed start to my long weekend.

Stand by for a year in review post coming up :)

Happy Birthday my Darling

Sunday, December 26, 2010

This day, 4 years ago I was laboring in a Hospital. I checked in Christmas evening, and my daughter was born the next evening. December 26, 2006 at 8:51 PM. She weighed 8 lbs and was 18.5 inches long (though there is some dispute on that length...)

I knew from the first time I held her, she was no ordinary child, and has proven to be everything I saw in her those first hours: observant, funny, smart and personable.

I love being her mother, and she is always teaching me so much. I have learned my strengths and my weaknesses, I have seen myself through her eyes and been stopped short. She is a tiny magnifying glass on my life... and it has helped me realize who I am, and who I want to be. Every year this birthday seems to come a little faster, and I can already feel her growing up, becoming autonomous. It makes me so happy to think that I'm doing my job right... that she is becoming an independent little girl who can think for herself.

Well without any further ado, I give you this year's birthday movie, as has become tradition it seems. Happy Birthday Bekah. And I'm so sorry for the whole, day-after-christmas-birthday thing.

video

Am I blue?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Metamorphosis. It is part of nature. It happens with most species, the most notable: The lowly caterpillar. He weaves himself a cocoon, and hides himself away. He emerges after the right amount of time, and is a completely newly formed creature.

You cannot rush that time. If you were to cut that bug out too early, would he be a living, beautiful butterfly? No. He comes out in his own time, and only nature knows that perfect moment.

Change comes in many forms, and it comes at it's own pace. You can't rush it. You can't hurry what you aren't in control of. So I'm letting go. I'm leaning into the fear.

I'm dying my hair blue. Check it out.

Rock on.

Crisis

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm in crisis here, and I can't figure out why. Fresh starts are awesome. Right? Like, who doesn't wish they could just wake up one day and have a chance to reinvent their life?

Me.

Well, no that's not true. I've been waiting for this. I've been wishing and wanting nothing more than to start my new life. What I didn't expect was a total and complete identity crisis. I can't figure out who the hell I am anymore. I don't know what to do with this mess in my head. I question everything I do, say, think, wear. Is that really me? How can I answer that? I don't even know who me is.

So here I sit, word-vomiting onto my blog the complete and utter patheticness that has become me. I feel so completely lost. Like I'm floating in space.

How do I do this? I don't know how to do this. I've never been... alone before. Not like this. It's terrifying and I don't know if I can.

If I succeed, there is only me to thank. But if I fail at this... there is only myself to blame. I feel like I'm failing.

Ho Ho Hum

Monday, December 13, 2010

My mom and I took Bekah to go see Santa this weekend. She's never been brave enough to ask him for what she wants, but this year, she's been talking about the Unicorn Pillow Pet she wants so bad (apparently her one pillow pet is not enough...) and she actually told Santa that's what she wanted!


I really can't believe how big she's getting. In less than two weeks she'll be 4! Holy cow, where did the time go? I'm so glad I get so much time with her. I love that she's getting to an age where we can be friends, where she's actually really fun to hang out with!

Work is great, and I'm so glad to be back and back to normal (almost). I can make it through 8 hours easily now, and I can sit at my desk for longer periods without breaks. It's really quite nice to not feel so yucky all day.

I'm really loving our new place, and I'm slowly getting used to living alone. It's very different. It's funny, because of all the differences, only one really bothers me, and that's having no one to talk to. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of, or just chat with when I'm bored. That's kinda lonely. But other than that, I really love the autonomy and the freedom of being by myself. Also? Huge bed :)

Well off to bed now, but more blogs soon. With no one to talk to, all my awesomeness has to go somewhere, yeah?

Achoo

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Our bodies are pretty fascinating machines. They work so many different functions, all at once, to keep us alive, upright and functioning. To truly understand the beauty of the universe, you simply contemplate the beauty of the simple functions we are able to do with these amazing machines.

So this makes me ponder... how does a microorganism called rhinovirus take all the wind out of that machine? It's tiny. Why can't our bodies fight it off without an epic battle of wills ensuing? Why are we the casualties of this war? I know that inevitably our bodies do win, but why does the battle come with so many casualties?


If you can't tell by now... I'm sick. I have been flooding my body with vitamin c (turns out I can absorb a lot more when I'm sick!) and zinc. I've also stayed crazy hydrated, and eaten well. I really did think, since I caught it so early I could stamp it out. My body is amazing, and with vitamins and minerals and fluids I could beat the nasty invaders.

Well, the Huns breached my great wall. I really hope that this is as bad as it gets though, maybe my early response system did do something. Until then, I just wait as my body fights it's hardest. Oh, and I totally ordered pizza for the first time in forever... sick people need pizza.

Fire Dragon

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Life is up and down. Winter then summer, night and day, good then bad.

I guess happiness is finding some kind of gentle equilibrium, and weathering those changes as they come.

My life is like a terrifying roller coaster right now. The kind that the whole way up you're glad it's slow, you're enjoying the view, and trying so hard not to think about what's coming up... and then you feel it happen, the front of the car dips and starts pulling you down so fast your eyes water, your hair whips out behind you and you go so low, so fast, you think you might just crash.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this up and down, of the terrifying ride that is my life. I just want some sort of stability. I want to only rely on myself and not be in a position for other people to mess my life up so badly.

I want off the ride. I want to go on the merry-go-round ok?

Ch-ch-changin'

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Hey all,

So Bekah and I are all moved into our new house! It's adorable and awesome. I cannot say enough about it! We've been there all week this week, and I'm finally getting used to the whole "single mom on her own" thing. I feel so adult most of the time.

Bekah got to spend thanksgiving with her dad, but I'm so glad to have her home! A night all alone in that house is HARD.

I went shopping with the gift card my mom gave me back in October and bought myself some new jeans and shirts. Turns out I'm a couple sizes smaller than I was when I got pregnant. I've lost 32 pounds since I was at my heaviest back in February. It's so awesome... my life is pretty awesome. Check out my skinny face:
 I am finally in a good place, and I think I've been waiting for a long time to be here... longer than I care to admit.

Forgiveness is healing, and autonomy is liberating.

Welcome to my new life. :)

Picture it...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Our photographer has posted a lovely sampling of the birth photography on facebook. If you'd like to go through it, I'll link it at the bottom. I made a little movie of our birth story. I hope you enjoy.

video
Her facebook fan page is: http://www.facebook.com/caroleebphoto and starting next week, her website is caroleebeckham.com

Journey

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I want to start this post off by saying how personal decisions about your body, your health, and your family are. I want to say that now, because I'm about to speak very frankly about something that is very personal. I simply want to share my beliefs that have stemmed from my experience.

I have been on a journey.

I cannot say where I went, because I do not know exactly. I only know it was further than I've ever been. It was darker than the darkest night, and brighter than the brightest sunrise. It was quieter than the most empty silence, and louder than the roar of the ocean. I cannot tell you where it was, because I've never been there before, and I can't go back now. But the journey itself has changed me. I am different.

Childbirth is a natural thing. It's something we are meant to do as animals. But as creatures with more awareness than most, we experience childbirth more acutely. Childbirth is a rite, and a ritual. It is primal, exhilarating, beautiful and simple.It is something you cannot know until you have done it. It is something you cannot appreciate fully if you are not allowed to experience it to it's utmost. The fog of drugs, the beeping of machines, the bright sterile lights... they interfere with the magic within. The amazing goddess of our bodies is best seen in the quiet shadow, the sacred space. Not interrupted or interfered with.

More than just a baby is born during an uninterrupted birth. A woman is born, reborn, and changed. Most of the time a woman comes out the other side as a mother... a reinvented version of herself with a new focus and a new life. I have had the unique experience to not come out the other side of the birth a new mother... the baby was born for another family, and in this moment another woman is experiencing that rebirth. Yet I was still changed, still reborn.

I wish that words were enough to describe the transcendence that is felt after laboring naturally. I have such a stark comparison between my first labor, and this one. The first is the epitome of medical interventions that went very wrong for me and my baby. This birth was a perfect contrast. It went exactly as I wanted. I was able to wear what I wanted, eat and drink what I wanted, move where I wanted. Beyond all that... my body was allowed to do what it needed to do. And when it slowed down, natural methods were all I needed to speed it back up again. I was guided by a wise woman who kept me and the baby in perfect health throughout, so that I could focus on what I needed to do.

In the darkest moments of my labor, I found pieces of myself that I did not know existed. I had no idea the depth of my determination, the power of my mind, and the strength of my body. If you had told me what my labor would be like beforehand, I don't know that I would have gone through with it. But in the moment it's the only choice you have. I don't know how many times I thought I was at the end of my rope, that there was no more to draw from... and yet I'd weather another contraction. I'd make it another couple minutes.

A baby was born that day... but so was I. My new life, my new start, my new self. Everything that was pointless, petty or angry just fell off in those hours of quiet and dark. It didn't matter. Why hold onto anger or betrayal? It didn't help me through those lonely hours. Only the good helped me through. Images of my daughter, my new house, and my family. The bad just weighed me down.

I have emerged from this experience changed. I wish for every woman who chooses to have children, this opportunity to learn about herself. You cannot know until you've been through it. You cannot understand the depth of your magnificence unless you test those waters. I hope that women begin taking this experience back from the medical world. That they are strong and brave and choose to revel in their godliness.

Healing

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hey all, happy Tuesday! It feels so odd to be home on a weekday. Yes, even after pushing out a big ol' baby, it feels odd and lazy to not be at work. I'm enjoying it though.

I am healing very rapidly, and steadily. My midwife came and saw me yesterday and said I'm doing fantastically. Everything is healing well, and I'm starting to get up and about more. Now if my back would just stop hurting! That back labor did a number on my muscles.

Honey, Kirk and Daemon are all cozy settled into their house. Kirk has had the last two days off, and is enjoying fatherhood immensely. Honey is already feeling the weight of motherhood. There is no way to know how wonderful, terrible, amazing and hard parenting is until you are in the thick of it! She is doing such a marvelous job, I'm incredibly impressed by her spirit and her heart. She is a fabulous mother and just keeps getting better. I can't wait to be around them again and witness for myself the awe of new motherhood.

Life feels like it's just getting started for me. I'm having a really hard time staying down and resting (though my body isn't!) when I really want to just be up and getting on with the show! Tomorrow we go and see my Honey and Daemon, then we go to court and sign all the legal papers. I can't wait!

This week I'm going to buy the last bit of furniture I need (new mattress!) and then this weekend or early next week... I move into my house!!!! I can't believe we're finally here. It felt like forever. Forever + 60 hours ;)

Well, time to get back to my sewing project. The projects keep me from going stir crazy waiting to be all recovered. I'm making a really cute advent calendar for Bekah. I'll have to post pictures when it's done. Oh, and here at the end, just to reward you for reading this post... a picture of the most adorable little boy on the planet: My Godson :)

Daemon 3 days old

Happy Birth Day

Monday, November 15, 2010



Well, it finally happened. As we all knew it would, for all babies come out in time. I had little Daemon Saturday afternoon. What follows is my birth story. I cannot capture in words what happened to me during those 60 hours. It was... painful, exhausting, life-changing, epic, magic, terrible and wonderful. I've never been through anything like that before... and I have come out the other side different. Almost exactly 60 hours of being within in my own body, with no one there to comfort or protect me from the process. It was excruciating. And I wouldn't undo it for the world.

Anyway... here is my story. :)

Thursday morning I woke up about 4 AM with strong contractions about 8 minutes apart. I couldn't really sleep through them so I got up and puttered around the house. By noon they were good and strong but still 8 min apart. I spent most of Thursday with my mom. We puttered around my house, went to D.I. and just mostly tried to keep my mind of my contractions since they were still 6-8 min apart all day. My midwife suggested a walk, and we tried that. Thursday night Honey came over and the contractions started to get closer, about 4 min apart.

Thursday night I got no sleep, and my contractions still hovered at about 4 min apart with no let up. I spent most of the night trying to get some rest between the contractions, but it wasn't restful. It was one of the longest nights I'd ever had. I remember Honey fell asleep at one point, and my mom was already in bed and I felt so alone. I just cried and cried for a while. I didn't want to go through another night in labor. I wanted to have that baby by Friday!

Friday all day the contractions were about the same. My midwife came and checked me, and I was dilated to 4. She knew I'd be going for a while and left to go some things she needed to do. Friday night came and we were at the same place. 3-4 min apart. Honey and my mom were exhausted from the previous night of no sleep, and our doula came over to take care of me while they slept. Another night with no sleep for me... my contractions were about 3-5 min apart all night (for the second night in a row!) That night I was able to get almost an hour of sleep, but the exhaustion, mental and physical, was really beginning to set in. The doula called my midwife in the wee hours of the morning to come check me and see what we could do. I'd now been in active labor, with no sleep, for 48 hours.

My midwife came while it was still early, I think about 6 AM. She said we could do one of two things, we could slow it down with herbs so I could get some ok rest, or speed it up. But all would depend on my dilation etc. I was so exhausted at that point, but slowing down labor to let me rest didn't sound good. I had already had two hellish nights of trying to sleep through labor... I just wanted to be done! I was so scared she'd find me still at a 4 or 5, and say it was better to rest. I prayed. I prayed that I would be dilated enough to keep going.

She checked me again and found me to be dilated unevenly to about a 6. I had a bump on my cervix, and baby was crooked in my pelvis making me dilate almost completely on the back with 2-3 cm still remaining in the front. My bag was bulgy so on my next contraction she pushed on it and bammo, my water broke. Then we used black and blue cohosh and who knows what else (I just drank the vile stuff) to augment my labor. Every hour or so they'd give me more of the tincture, and within 10 minutes my contractions would get rolling again. I think at that point they were like 1-2 min apart, but I have no idea. That was 6 am on Saturday the 13th, from then on I was in crazy active labor until about 3 PM when I started pushing. Saturday was like the crazy day from hell. After all that time with no sleep, doing 8 hours of hard labor was pretty crazy. I really felt like giving up SO many times. Thank God for my midwife, she was like my rock. I would just stare into her eyes during contractions and watch her breathe. I could keep my breathing even if I watched her. She stayed with me for what must have been hours. What's time when you're in labor?? My mom kept telling me I could do it, and not in that meek supportive way... because she knew I could She'd been there before... and survived too. Because of all these women in my room I was able to keep going. I didn't give up.

I started pushing about 3 PM. I had hoped pushing would make the back labor go away... not so much. Finally after over an hour of pushing I got the cries of joy at his head crowning. My midwife wanted me to slow down as I pushed him out but there was no way. After 60 hours of labor I pushed that baby out in two pushes, head, then body. Daemon Anthony was born at 4:34 PM on the 13th. He had his cord wrapped around his head and hand three times, but was just fine. What a cry on that one! We laid on the couch with him on my belly as they cleaned us both up. He stayed attached to the placenta til his cord stopped pulsing, and was warm and red and perfect!



After an hour or so of laying with me and Honey, I handed him to her so she could feed him. She and Kirk were just elated as they fed and burped him that first time. Then was time for his exam. He was so still and alert and happy during the whole evening. He weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz and was 21 inches long. He got his vitamin K shot and didn't even cry! He spent the rest of the evening swaddled warm and wide-eyed. What a happy, happy baby!

He went home with his parens at about 7:00 PM and they had a wonderful night together. I got cleaned up (no stitches necessary!) and washed up and finally about 9:30 the adrenaline and endorphins wore off and I fell into a peaceful coma-like sleep. After over 60 hours with no sleep it was amazing!

I am so happy with my choice to do a natural home birth. If I had been in a hospital, I would have had a repeat C-section. My labor was too slow, but pitocin increases your risk of uterine rupture on someone who's had a C-section. They wouldn't have been patient with my body, and I'd have had surgery. My midwife was amazing. She supported me, made things go faster, monitored me and the baby and since we were both fine she kept us going.


The best part of no drugs is that after that baby is born... you feel amazing. There is no foggy feeling, no numbness, just elation.


I was in bliss watching Honey and Kirk hold their little man for the first time. I would have cried had I not been full of endorphins. They were amazing to see. It was like their world just finally completed itself right in that room. Kirk was such a typical dad.... he was scared and clueless and doing so well. And Honey just jumped into the mom role immediately. Asking our midwife all these questions about what to do with what, and bossing Kirk around... it was adorable.

 weighing the baby

I am so happy with everything. I'm happy to be back in my own body again, to see Honey and Kirk's life start... and to get my own fresh start. Amazing!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I can't find anything positive to say today. My house is coming along but even that is depressing... today is another day between me and moving in.

:(

Odd-ity

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Well... I've officially made it to 40 weeks. Now the "overdue" count begins.

The funniest thing about doing a natural birth is the reaction of people in my life. It's really funny how people react to the fact that I won't be induced (save medical necessity) that I've declined vaginal exams to check my dilation and effacement and that my midwife is, as they put it "just waiting around" for me to go into labor.

One gal I know told me she just won't go into labor herself, her doctor always has to induce her. (Her last one was induced a whole 2 days after her due date....) Another lady at work told me that every day past their due date they get sicker and my midwife was crazy to not just induce me this weekend (she then added how convenient it is my due date is on a friday so I could be induced over the weekend!!).

These women have been sold the "induction is normal and necessary for most women" line that the U.S. health system shoves down women's throats. If that was true what would have happened to our species before modern medicine? How do European countries like the Netherlands have substantially lower infant morbidity and mortality rates than us, yet use much less inductions and medical interventions?

Babies come when they're ready. Only about 2% of women make it to the 42 week mark without going into labor. Those are good odds. Yet almost 25% of women who are induced end up having a cesarean. Not so good odds.

Plus the final nail on this coffin... I'm doing a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) and if you induce a VBAC you up your chance of uterine rupture. Big no-no!

So this rant all leads to this... I have a 75%-ish chance of going into labor in the next few days... and a 98% chance of going into labor in the next two weeks.

I like those odds!

Frustration

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Being a single mom is a challenge to say the least. Less challenging if you have the other parent around in the least. Well... in the least would definitely define how often Ben has been coming around to see Bekah.

I'm incredibly frustrated with the whole situation. I see posts on his boyfriend's (or as Ben so tastefully calls him, his husband... we aren't even divorced yet!) facebook about game nights, hot tubs, them taking a week off together etc., and yet he goes a week without even calling his daughter on a regular basis.

He pays his child support. He pays all the money he owes toward our mutual debt and Bekah's preschool tuition. He pays. But he doesn't come around much. I really hate to spew all this on my blog, but it's so frustrating. It's hard to watch her literally jump up and down and shout "I so excited!!" Whenever he deigns to spend time with her. It's hard to watch her go from asking about him daily, to weekly, to not at all. He's like an exciting uncle who comes around and does fun stuff with her. Not a Dad. She doesn't even know what a Dad should be anymore.

I don't mind the full-time on call duties that are single parenthood. I'm getting used to it, and my own family is pretty dern amazing at helping me out with her.

I guess what I don't understand is someone who would want to do anything more than spend time with this little bug. How hot tubs and Gay Clubs are more inviting than a night watching a movie with her. I like my time off too, but could I go a week without hearing her voice? No way. I can barely go a day without it. I love that I'm the parent now... but my heart aches for my little snugs. The next 10 years will be a difficult road for her if her Dad doesn't shape up.

These things are much too heavy for either of us to be dealing with at this stage of our lives!

Still?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's hard blogging when I only want to be able to blog about one thing... the end of this blasted pregnancy!

So instead I find new and odd things to post. Today I'll just leave you with a picture of Bekah in her Halloween costume at school. She's a princess on a unicorn. It's pretty dern hilarious.


.

Attitude adjustment

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm better now. I've stopped whining, I've taken some steps to take care of me, I'm asking for more help, trying to get more rest and just accepting this may take a couple more weeks. If I'm still pregnant on the 28th I know what my costume will be for work :) Tee hee.

I got some good Honey time which was really nice... I've missed just having some us time. I love my relationship with her, she's like a sister in that we can just sit and have some tea and cookies and just talk. We talked about work, about the birth, about Daemon, about everything. It's lovely to have someone who understands you so much. I can't wait to bond with her during this labor. I know we'll be soul sisters forever.

So today I am officially 38 weeks! I look ready to pop don't I? He's so big and so low, I really hope he comes soon. Even the long haul isn't so long. 3 more weeks? So doable. See? My attitude rocks!

Well time to get my swollen feets to bed. Night all!!

Deja Vu?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Did you read my post on Sunday? If so... this one is going to seem so familiar.

I came home from work early today because the contractions were strong enough and making me feel crappy enough I couldn't concentrate on anything. Now that I'm home they're still strong but really inconsistent (4 minutes, 8 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes) and I'm just getting to the point of wondering how long I can be in this fuzzy middle-ground of labor? Days? Weeks? Technically he could stay in there until mid-November without us being worried. Will my body do this for that long? Or is there some respite for me?

I need to stop thinking that way and just breathe and take it a day at a time. But God this is killing me. I can't make this baby come, all I can do is believe he's going to do it at the right time.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Desperation

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Also... I am thankful for honey to put in the raspberry leaf tea. Turns out I'm not much of a fan....

Well 5:30 certainly is a fun time to wake up on a Sunday morning. The house is dark and quiet, and I had the choice between lying in bed wondering if it was late enough I could get up, or just getting up already. So here I sit... blogging.

My contractions started getting regular and strong again last night. Strong enough I couldn't focus much on the preschooler who was slowly tearing the house in twain. So I called in the cavalry. Mom. :)

She came home and cleaned and kept me company while I breathed away some pretty constant contractions. Off to bed we went, and truly I figured they'd taper off like they did last weekend. (The last time I called her back from Mike's house to take pity on me) Well no... they didn't taper off much. I spent the night waking up thinking "Why am I awake?" then to be overcome by a medium sized contraction. (think god-awful menstrual cramps in the back and front) and then away it'd go. I'd think... why did I wake up a minute BEFORE the contraction? That was a dearly needed minute of sleep, that was!

After trying lying on my back, side, stomach (not doable at this point) and then laying with my head at the foot of my bed for a while, I just gave up, and here I am. The depressing part is they still aren't strong enough to be actual labor... he's still all cozy in there, he just seems to keep wanting to test the emergency broadcast system.

I guess I'll go for a walk today and see if things get moving. If so, I may have this baby by my birthday! YAY. If not, I may spend my birthday sick and crappy feeling... at work. BOO.

Good morning world!

"The I'm grateful song"

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Things today that made me enjoy the moment:

My daughter naming every song that comes on the radio. "This is the right now song..." and then singing along. Also for dancing to "the dinosaur song" at the mall and making me dance along with her. She's such a good kid. Who could ask for more??

The clear blue october sky that was so crisp, you could see all the airplane trails crisscrossing across the sky. It was like celestial plaid.

Bananas. I love bananas. I think they're my favorite fruit. They are so mess-free, easy to eat, and conveniently portioned. I love bananas. Thanks mom for buying them :)

Reasons to smile

Friday, October 15, 2010

I had a really lovely appointment with my midwife today. She could tell something was amiss with me, and in her usual style got to the bottom of it really quick. I told her how I'd been having the constant mild contractions for a week, and how tired I was. I ended up sobbing while she provided tissues and a sympathetic ear. (Reason #4,509 midwives ROCK)

She gave me some good advice, along with some red raspberry leaf tea, and some herbal tinctures to help with my cramping.

Now I've decided I need to think of all the GOOD in my life, because I seem to keep dwelling on the bad.

I'm so grateful for my daughter. Though she drives me nutty, and makes me crazy, she also makes me laugh, and smile. She lets me know that babies DO come, and they grow and that time makes fools of us all.

She's bright, funny, independent and inquisitive. I'm so, so grateful for her in my life. Glad I get to be her mom forever.

 I'm so blessed to have my mom. She is such a wonderful woman, strong and determined. She's taught me that I can get through any trial, no matter how bad it seems. No matter how low I feel, it will get better.  So why a picture of a freezer? Because what my mom knows better than anything is when someone is exhausted, tired, and at their breaking point... they don't cook. So she's been cooking her wonderful, healing food. This freezer is full of homemade chili, chicken soup, and a little treat for me... freezer pizza :) Food and love. My mom knows both so very well!

I am grateful for the midwives I've been so blessed to meet during this journey. This is a picture of the red raspberry leaf tea Briana sent me home with (she gave me her whole jar!) These wise and intuitive women have always been able to tell when I'm in crisis, and have helped buoy me up when I needed it. I think about how this journey would be different had we gone with a traditional doctor, and I know that God lead me to the midwives. The universe knew I would need more support than I knew... that I'd be at the end of this journey and be on my own, raising my daughter and in need of some wonderfully wise women who would tell me I could keep going.

I know that everything that happens changes us, makes us grow. I'm learning so much about myself and my soul during this journey. I'm learning that I have untapped strength. That I deserve happiness, and I can give it to myself. That being alone isn't always lonely. And that, as Briana so wisely told me today, I am simply an organism of this earth, that the rules of time and tide apply to me as well. That is a comforting thought. No matter what, I will keep going, I will keep growing and changing.

Take a deep breath, stop focusing on the future and live in the now. I can do this.

Labor of Love

Monday, October 11, 2010

 (30 weeks)
(36 weeks)
So I am still all pregnant. Doing ok, just sick of how sick the pre-labor is making me. The cramps have made me so queasy.... and the hormones make me hot and grumpy. I'm trying to keep my chin up and my spirits high, but it is getting hard. I'm ready for the end of this journey.

My mom has decided her new dream job (one of many) would to be a doula. I explained what they do, and she thought that would just be the coolest thing. I agree... since over the weekend she was a fantastic doula for me. She'll be great when I'm in real labor. What a blessing to have a mother like her. I know I'm so lucky to be her daughter. Truly.

Now, to bed, and maybe (just maybe) I'll wake in the grip of full tilt labor!

Tick-Tock

Saturday, October 9, 2010

So... I was in labor. For a day and a half. Not rarin' to go "Oh my gosh!" labor, but labor nonetheless. Now however I am not. My uterus did a dry run of the process, I called in the cavalry, we spent all weekend waiting... and by this morning: Nada.

Briana checked me, and I am moving along, but I'm not dilating yet. Just effacing and softening. Both good things! But not full-on labor.

So now I'm kinda bummed. First that everyone got all excited (including me) and second that I have to go back to work on Monday! I thought this was the beginning of  well deserved vacation. Alas no.

Hopefully by this weekend we'll be cooking with gas again. We will see.

Le sigh.

Wise Women

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Today I got to meet with my midwife, and also help in the long process of the journey of other midwives in training. They were so sweet and so gentle, it was like being among family.

I watched these wise women in training, wide eyed, smiling, happy to just get to feel a baby in a belly... and it was like seeing into the future. These women will get experienced, their hands won't hesitate, and their nervous smiles will become comforting and nurturing.

What a blessing to get to be a part of that process. It was so nice to meet you ladies!

Forgotten

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Today I got to be someone I'd forgotten.

To turn on a mellow playlist, to read a good book, have a cool drink, and quietly wile away my Sunday afternoon. Pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon, two-hour nap and some leisurely laundry.

I enjoy a quiet lazy Sunday. I'd forgotten what they look like. Glad to have some me-time. I miss you, Me.

Blue October

Friday, October 1, 2010


I really need to stop going a week at a time without blogging. But this week I have a perfect excuse. I got the cold from HELL. Sunday my mom discovered her allergies were a cold. I felt so bad for her! The next day the same thing happened to me. Turns out the crazy allergies Bekah had last week was actually a cold in disguise! No wonder she was so crabby... this is a mean cold.

Now I'm on day 5, and still feeling kinda out of it. I think the fever finally broke today, and I'm starting to get some relief from the sinus pressure. Being pregnant I can't take anything fun. Tylenol PM has saved me though... I went two nights with no sleep before I finally took one. Amazing stuff.

Now it's October, my favorite month ever! Have you ever noticed how blue the skies are in october? Not that watery blue of  summer, but almost sapphire colored. So blue that the daytime moon shines almost as bright as it does at night. I think perhaps it's my favorite because of my birthday, or because of halloween, but truly its the weather. Cool and crisp as a fall apple. I can't wait!

I don't think Daemon can wait either. I truly believe he wants to experience this October. Even though his guess date is early November, I really feel like he's on his way already. As of next friday I'm considered full term. That's good because he's showing every sign of coming. All the ladies at work are making bets that I'll go before my birthday. This week he dropped... twice. I now have so much more lung and tummy room, and so much less pelvis and bladder room.

I talk with him, you know? Daemon and I have a funny relationship. I feel more like his grandma or aunt than anything. He's told me he's ready to meet his family... I told him he has to wait at least another week because if he goes before 35 weeks, we have a high-risk delivery. I don't want that! So he needs to wait a week or so to make sure he comes into the world in the calm and comfortable manner we've planned.

He knows I'm talking about him because he's just a kicking me while I write this.

Well happy october all, and I hope to write a little more often this week, since this cold appears to be finally dying.

The Toddler/Teenager Duality

Friday, September 24, 2010

I love the big bang theory. The new one was on last night, and it was fantastic! I wish they were available online... my daughter wasn't thrilled with pausing The Little Mermaid for half an hour... she's so used to me watching my tv on my computer. Spoiled snugs.

This morning she again reminded me how similar three-year-olds and thirteen-year-olds really are.I told her it was time to get up, and she grunted and rolled over. I tried again... "Not yet!" She growled at me. I told her it was time, and we were going to be late. She looked at me and said "Two more minutes!"

She seemed like such a teenager at that moment. Where did my sweet little baby go? I really hope I get to enjoy her early school years for a while before the tween stage hits... I want my snugs back! She does it sometimes, but dang the threes are WAY worse than the twos were.

Autumn on my mind

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I love autumn. I love the lingering feel of summer... the lazy breeze that now has hints of fall. That breeze carries pollen too. I may be swollen and sneezy, but I'm enjoying the wonderful hand off from summer to fall. I took these pics of the sunflowers... the only bright flowers still left round our house.

This week is the equinox. Merry Mabon to you all! I can't believe how quickly this summer has gone. How eventful it's been! I'm glad for the harvest now. Glad that Daemon is being born during a Harvest season. It makes sense, he was sown in the early spring, he was nurtured and grown all summer and he'll be born in a time of gathering and harvest.

Soon after he's born I get to start my own life anew... I'm excited for the next few weeks. I keep wanting them to hurry, to get it over with... but I forgot this is my favorite time of year! Sleeping with a breeze on your cheek, eating tasty apples, baking, and the smell of the air.

Most of all, this is the last season Bekah will be 3. I want to cherish her last season as a demanding three-year-old... before I begin being the mother of a true pre-schooler... Where has the time gone?

Another year coming to a close, another Mabon full of thanks and warmth.

I'm in love!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

With my house!



I found a house to rent here in Magna. I am in love. It's deep. I always fall so hard when I fall in love. I can't stop thinking about it! At night I close my eyes and fantasies of hot chocolate, candles and a movie just develop behind my eyelids.

A comfy couch, a thick blanket and a good book while my little snugs sleeps soundly just a couple rooms away....

A summer full of working in the yard, planting beautiful flowers and drinking iced tea on the back porch.

Short walks to the bakery or the pizza parlor, Bekah and I, just us and the house.A family of three

Ah love, it makes us wait. I can't wait until we make it official, and I move in. The love of my life... a tiny little house.

A weekend of freedom

Sunday, September 12, 2010

This weekend my mom let me get really messy!

I cut bananas for fruit salad with my own special knife.
I helped her make food for Honey's baby shower
I got to decorate my very own cupcake!
I didn't have to take a bath til right at the end.
I got to play swords and talk to cats at Lainee's house.
I got to watch a movie in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep (but mom wanted to!)
I got to sleep in, and wear comfy clothes all day sunday
I got to have have a cupcake for breakfast!
I got to be me, and only had a couple time outs.
Most of all I knew my mom loved me, because she told me a hundred times.
And I told her right back!

A week's worth of busy

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Oh... a week without a blog! What a shame! I have been pretty busy this week though... you know, that and growing a human being. :)

I loved the long weekend last week, especially since Bekah's mood has just been wonderful! I think she's adjusted to the new regimented preschool, and to her breif and irregular vists with her dad. I wish I could make that part better for her. My heart aches when she asks for him and I don't know what to say. What do you tell a three-year-old? That her dad is just too busy with work and his new life to spend more than an hour or two with her? She just doesn't get it. Anyway, she's starting to get the routine a bit more, and the less-than-adequate time with him.

This week at work I covered for one of the Proposal Coordinators at work. I really, really hate doing it. At least it's for the one I really like. If she comes back and I didn't do a perfect job she gets it... SHE went on vacation and SHE will have to play catch up for a while. I'm not her replacement while she's gone, I just take care of urgent things that can't wait til she comes back. The other PC I sometimes back up is another story. She thinks I should do everything for her so when she comes back from vacation there is nothing left un-done.

Anyway that has taken up all of my brain power this week. Doing her job on top of mine is a bit crazy for my pathetic pregnant brain. Plus I waddle now, so all my walking at work looks like there should be dorky music playing in the background...

I've started getting the "Oh my god when are you due??" questions, because I'm already measuring full-term. 8 more weeks to go people... yeah I feel that way about it too.

Last night I took Bekah to a silent movie at the organ loft. She seemed to like it ok. I think she's just a few months away from truly enjoying them. I think it was a bit slow for her, but she really liked the music. The organ controls a little piano that was by us and it'd play and she'd jump which was funny. We went with Grammy and Mike and had a grand old time. Daemon did not like it, however. The organ is loud and has lots of base and he kicked the crap out of me through the entire movie. Afterword I felt battered and bruised from the inside. It's amazing how nauseating that much movement can be! I can't wait to have my body back to myself...

Then to cap off my busy week, Honey's baby shower is tonight! I got a lot done yesterday, but I still have so much to do! Today I make the food trays and get everything together... I have to clean my car, and hopefully take a nap so I'm ready for my day!

Time to get going!

Home Sweet Home

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I found a house! I am so excited! My good friend from high school has this tiny house in Magna she's been trying to sell for about a year... The market is terrible, and Magna is full of "for sale" signs... So I asked if she'd thought about renting it. It was a shot in the dark, really. But she told me she had, and after some back and forth... I have a house!

I am going to start renting in November, after the baby is born. I'm so excited! I'll have the time off work to slowly get moved in and get it perfect (yes, while resting!) It's so uber tiny, but it is 2 bedrooms, and the kitchen and living room are actually pretty big. Though it's a house it's really like an apartment...just over 800 square feet, and a small front yard. It's perfect though! I can maintain a yard that small :) I'm so excited to get it fixed up a bit and start putting a little love into it.

When I get some pics I'll post them... it'll be a work in progress but that's the fun part yeah?

I am so excited!

I love my mom!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

She packed me a lunch today. Complete with cake and sauce in it's own little baggy.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and she'd pack me a hardboiled egg, and put the salt and pepper in a little parchment envelope. :) How cool is that?

I hope I'm half as cool of a mom as she is. Because wowza. Even when you're 24 and pathetically living on her couch... she still packs you a lunch :D

I love you mom!

Ouch.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I just about ripped off two toenails.. OUCH! At first I thought I'd just stubbed them really bad. You know that adrenaline response your body has immediately? Makes you feel like, "Oh ouch! Oh, no wait that's ok cool!" Then I look down two minutes later... and there is blood dripping out of two of my middle toenails... like down my toes onto the floor. It looked like something from a horror movie.

I calmly look at them and think, huh, that's odd. I wonder why they're bleeding. Guess I'll go dress them, and put some neosporin on. Don't want an infection! La di da, I casually dress them and as I'm finishing up... THROB. Oh, that hurts a little, now the blood makes sense... I walk around a bit, say goodbye to Serenity (she was enjoying my first shoofly pie...) and then THROB THROB THROB OH holy hell what did I do??

At this point I sit down and feel my toes. They hurt. Badly. And they're swelling in their little wrappers. Ow. So I sit a moment... then decide I should go sit on my bed and put my foot up. I take that first step, confident it'll feel like the one I took, oh two minutes previously. Wrong. In the two minutes I'd examined my toes, they had decided to no longer hold up my big, pregnant, clumsy body and I had to half limp, half hop to my bed.

Did I bring ice? No. Did I bring tylenol or a drink? No. So now I'm stranded on an isle of mattress, with a tricky three-year-old who has been moments away from a tantrum all day. Then my mom calls. And that's when it all came to a teary end...

Have you ever noticed how when your mom calls you can't pretend to be ok? You try and put on your big girl voice... and then she says something that disarms you. Something in that caring momma voice... and it's all over. And I had a breakdown.

She only heard the part of it I tried really hard to hide on the phone. You know how your voice get's all high and weird. "No I'm o-o-o-k m-mom." *sob* "I'm just, just, just t-t-tired..." *sob* Yeah... she see's right through it. Anyway I had a full on double breakdown after I hung up. You know the kind... where everything that's ever gone wrong in your day/week/life suddenly weighs upon you.

Granted I have a lot to cry about... plus the hormones make it so much the better. I finally cleaned myself up, hugged my snotty three-year-old who was at the moment so adorable it hurt. Now I'm rotating between icing the toes of doom (still swelling...) and hobbling around getting things ready for bed. I loathe that anyone had to witness my pathetic moment, even my mom. Now my big girl panties are hitched up, and all is well.

But my toes REALLY hurt...

Interview with a boring person

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I don't post much anymore. My life is pretty boring. Yeah there is a divorce, a surrogate pregnancy, me sharing a room with a 3-year-old, and the complete change of my life... but other than that I truly live a boring life.

I go to work, I come home, I sometimes help cook, mostly my mom feeds me. A lot. Bekah is going to school and loving it... yeah not a lot to say. Sad that after the monumental things I don't have much to talk about.

I could talk about pregnancy, but that always bores people to tears. No one cares except the pregnant person lol. Just 10 more weeks and this baby is gonna be born, and I could not be happier. I am SO ready to not be pregnant, to get into my own place and start my and my daughter's life again. Hallelujah!

See? This is why I don't blog. No one cares about all that! Sigh. You all should update. I am interested in your lives FAR more than my own.

It's raining, it's pouring

Thursday, August 19, 2010

And I'm stuck inside for lunch today. No lunch to eat, and no way I'm going out in that hurricane... I hope it dissipates soon, but I also kinda hope it goes on all day :)

I love the sound of the rain. Makes me wish I was home, on my covered back porch, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of chai tea watching it rain like mad. That sounds like heaven right now. Guess it's impossible though, it's not my house anymore... sigh.

Bekah is loving her new daycare which is a relief. My mom and I have both noticed a significant change in her mood. This place is much more structured, and there are less children, 16 total with a ratio of 1-8, so she doesn't get lost like she did at the center. Plus there are only a couple her age. She'll have fun when they start the preschool curriculum next month... she is so smart that the focus will be good for her. Until then we'll keep up with the flash cards (her favorite thing now!) and the puzzles. I can't believe how focused she can get. Anything for some one-on-one time with me or Grammy or Tami.

This Sunday we have a booth at the people's market! How cool is that? Sunday at the Peace Gardens in West Valley (900W and 1000S) from 10 AM to 2 PM. The weather is supposed to be perfect! I'm not selling much, just some cards I made... but my mom and aunt are selling some way cool stuff.

Saturday is Honey's baby shower... that should be interesting! Nothing like being the guest of honor's surrogate! I'm the baby momma, but not the momma! I love it :)

Well enough rambling, I suppose I'll just keep working through my lunch since I'm not leaving in this storm!

Barnes and Noble saves me again!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

This is the book I bought for Bekah tonight. Ben took some time with her tonight (YAY!) and I actually found myself with a few hours to myself for the first time in a long while. I went to dinner with Serenity then went to Barnes and Noble to find this book. In my State Mandated Divorce Education class they gave us a list of good books for kids in each age category. This one is the most recommended one online, and so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Tonight when I picked her up from Dad's I told her we'd read it for bedtime. I think it went over really well. Parts of it didn't apply (it has chapters sorta, and you can skip) but some were very applicable. I loved the section that talked about emotion, because after we read it Bekah said "It's ok to be sad?" And I said "Yeah it sure is." She kind of smiled about that. I feel like it was a good tool to talk about some things she's been worried about.

I guess this sounds like book club today, just thought I'd share my evening :)

Now to eat some candy and go to bed early. Woo, I live the high life!

Bekah Loves Kitties.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bekah loves kitties. Our neighbor has a really friendly kitty who comes over and loves on her in the evenings when we're outside. She loves and loves and loves on Bekah. Bekah forgets that she needs to be gentle and starts pulling her tail and squeezing her, which the cat puts up with for about a minute before she nips at Bekah.

Bekah then gets all sad "He bite me!" and we have to remind her about basic kitty safety. This video I stole from Hyperbole and a Half, the funniest blog ever, just made me laugh so hard. Those little blonde pigtails remind me of Bekah! Enjoy!


Mamma Mia

Monday, August 9, 2010

So tonight I get to go take a class on divorce. Ben's going to take the same one I think. Jeez, that ought to be fun......

Anyway I'd really like to update, but my life is kinda boring as of late. I mean, besides the whole earthshaking, life-changing crap going on. But you already know about all of that. Nothing new there. I guess I'm lucky it's not full of crazy drama. I'm glad that he's being amiable to most things, and he is being very respectful of my position as Boo's mom. Yesterday after I chewed him out for a bad choice (driving our daughter in a potentially unsafe car) he actually complimented me on being a good mom. It's not hard... you just put her first. Always.

I guess maybe that comes easier to some of us... to the more mature, or more responsible lot. I've always been a mom. At least I know that's one thing I'm good at. Even if the other stuff in my life comes crashing down... I'm a great mom.

She's a great kid too. She's had a really rough week. I'm so tired of yelling at her, putting her in time-out and dealing with "NO!" from her. I know she's testing her boundries with me. Now that dad is the "fun" parent who doesn't discipline her anymore, I am the authoritarian, and she needs to know where my boundaries are. Having your boundaries tested sucks. Just so you know.

Any-who I guess back to my lunch. Wish me luck at the class with the interesting company tonight :)

Decisions, Decisions...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I now have my laptop up and running thanks to my very sweet IT guru friend (and his beautiful "not" girlfriend). Thanks you two! :)

These two are the cutest couple you've ever seen. I don't want to get too much into their private life, but it's definitely had me contemplating (and probably giving way TOO much advice on) following one's heart. Through everything that has happened this month, I've finally given 100% to trusting my instincts. They've never steered me wrong. I have been steered very wrong by bishops, by well-meaning friends and coworkers. I've not listened to those who know me best, because I didn't like what they had to say... that's no good reason to not listen!

Here is my theory on how to gain true happiness.

A) Listen to your gut. It will never steer you wrong! Some people call it intuition, spirit, or just a gut feeling. You know when something doesn't feel right. LISTEN to that feeling. Our core can hear and see so much more clearly than our flawed eyes and ears can. We get muddled, wrapped up in emotions and thoughts, but our core, our gut can clear out the fog and help us know what's right.

B) Always listen to advice... but always take it with a grain of salt. What I mean is, ask yourself these questions. 1. Who is giving the advice? Their position in your life determines the weight at which you place their advice (best friend over nosy neighbor...) 2. How has their advice done in the past? Does your mom always advise based on her feelings and not yours? Is your BFF always giving the WRONG advice? 3. Have they experienced something similar to your dilemma? Are they truly informed/experienced or are they giving anecdotal advice? 4. When you ponder on that advice, how does it make you feel? What does your gut say?

C) After you make a decision, bad or good, right or wrong... evaluate it! Learn from it! Did you really listen to your gut? Who's advice did you follow? Did you ask for that trusted advice from the right person? Pull out that journal and write down your decision process, the feelings, the good and bad, and the outcome. What did you NOT do, what will you do differently next time? Then next time that big decision comes up... you can pull out your own advice! You can listen to someone who knows you best!

Who am I to give you this advice though? Of course you're taking this with a grain of salt right? Right? Good. Because I am not an expert. Just someone who has lived through consequence after consequence of my own bad decisions. I am not an expert in making good choices... but I am an expert in learning from the bad ones!

And because of how I am, I feel the need to tell others what I've learned. We need others who've done it to help us, we need to help others going through it, because teaching is the best way to learn.

Untitled Whine

Friday, August 6, 2010

I. Am. So. Tired.

I'm starting to appreciate how exhausting the next three months are going to be. Being pregnant and working full time isn't something I've experienced before. When I was pregnant with Rebekah I stopped working at the point I'm at right now. I laid on the couch and gained 40 pounds in 3 months though... that was interesting.

I knew that this would be a challenge for me, something I'd never done before. Luckily my job isn't particularly physical, and they all know I'm pregnant so no lifting etc. for me. I get to use the elevator too! :D What I hadn't banked on was doing this alone. When I approached Ben about doing this for Honey, he was enthusiastic about it. I laid out the worst case scenario. What if we had to cut back on things if I needed a little time off at the end? Fine! What if you have to take care of Bekah by yourself for a while? Fine! He said he was ready to do this with me.

And six months later he left me. So now this wonderful thing that I get to do feels less like the beautiful gift it is, and more like a burden. It's not fair that I am now doing this all by myself. Doing this while caring for a three-year-old by myself. Doing this while sleeping in my mom's front room. Doing this while trying to file a divorce and make ends meet. If there is anything at all that hurts about him leaving me, it's this. Where is the man who promised to rub my calves when they ached? Where is the man who said he'd hold my hand when it all got to be too much?

He's at his house, with his new lover. He's going to work and coming home to someone to hold him, and help HIM through this mess. He's sleeping solidly though the night with no wife next to him crying because her body hurts.

If this is a test I'll pass it. If it's the universe's way of showing me how strong I am, I'll show it right back. I know I have good and right on my side. I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing family, and a wonderful best friend, who if given the chance would do this for me. If I had to make the choice knowing I'd be doing this alone, I'd still have done it for my Honey.

I am just so tired...

Her Majesty

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

To say my daughter is spoiled is probably an understatement... Living with Grammy is like being a little princess with ladies in waiting attending to her highness' every need.

While our morning routine used to consist of me trying to shower while she watched Dora, then wrangle her into her clothing before having to dash out the door... now it's quite the royal affair.

First Bekah wakes Grammy with a chorus of "SUN'S UP!" and then the little monarch is asked what she'd like for breakfast. Oatmeal? Sure... Cheerios? Of course! Chocolate yogurt? Why ever not?? Then Tami comes up and joins the party. While I'm running trying to get ready her highness is given breakfast, "coffee" milk, orange juice, attention, just about anything she could want!

When I come in with her clothes, and she get's grumpy, Grammy talks her into getting dressed, Tami is her personal hair stylist and both shower her in kisses and hugs as she departs for her day at School.

Now, this isn't to say this arrangement doesn't have personal benefits for yours truly. I get an extra couple minutes to make sure my shoes match, and my hair looks decent. Hell, I also get some royal breakfast and coffee before I dash!

My worry is for when we're in our own place again... Bekah is going to call around the house and wonder where her ladies in waiting are? Perhaps we'll have to have breakfast at Grammy's once in a while... she'll be so desperately deprived!

God I hate Tuesdays...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I don't know why, but Tuesdays are so much worse than Mondays for me. I just want to go back home and veg all day! I really hate Tuesdays. :(

Today on top of it all I'm feeling all queasy and gross... and my hormones are all over the place. I burst into tears this morning over nothing, then went to talk to my boss about something and did it again. It's so embarrassing to be so emotional today. Everything keeps making me tear up.

I may just see about leaving a bit early today, I'm so ridiculously grumpy! Like Bekah before a nap... ("I NO EAT DA TUNA!")

Not much of note to write. I did all my cool stuff this weekend and posted it... now it's just boring work, and lame work drama (crazy coworker!!)

So consider this an update :D

Un-retail Therapy

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I feel like such a grown-up this week. I served Ben his divorce papers yesterday. How is that for fast? From separation to filing in a week. I went online and did it all myself. I took them to the courthouse Friday on my lunch, and served Ben yesterday. I'm freaking on top of it. Makes me feel OLD though.

This weekend has been the weekend of shopping for Tami and I, I swear... We hit Michaels, because I needed some candles and other fun things. I got this candle and holder.
I love Halloween because of the lovely Gothic look of everything. It's my favorite holiday! Plus you put something like this on your altar and people think you're a devil worshiper which is always really fun :D
Check out the little dangling skulls...

Tami and I also spotted this feather wreath. She produced a 40% off coupon for me and BAMMO! I am now the proud owner of the coolest wreath in the world. I mean really... how could you not just LOVE this??


Today Ben took Bekah in the morning, so Tami and I went to People's market. It was way fun, we spent about two hours there just looking at stuff, eating food, buying WAY too much... and having a great time. There were some truly awesome things!

First off I needed some new stones. All my old ones were from my married life, and had that imbibed into them. I needed fresh stones with a fresh start. These four felt the best, and then I discovered why! Three of them (green jasper, red jasper, and the agate) are spiritual cleansers that help with the healing and the heart chakra, the fourth (tiger's eye) helps with healing and rejuvenation of the body. Yes, I'm a dork :)

These are the super cool necklaces I got. The top one is a piece of shell with "Joy" written on it, that I just loved. The bottom one is going to be the first of many! This lady finds the coolest art scraps and puts them in glass necklaces. This print is from the old OZ books, this is the princess of Oz. How cool and art nouveau is she??

This is something I found last year, and am obsessed with... I LOVE Kai Bula body scrub! It's all natural, organic, non-toxic (actually edible so kids/pets won't get sick) and it does WONDERS for the body. I have now converted my mom and my aunt. I think we'll need to send some to Bobbie and get her converted, but in Texas she doesn't have the dry skin problems we do here!

We also bought some fun food, and a container of tomatoes for Bekah. The has eaten the whole thing already! That girl loves her fruit...

Well there is my photo journey through the things I've bought this weekend. Retail therapy works so much better when it's not retail!!

Can't wait til Tami and I go next weekend!

Saturday for the single.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I suppose the ability to find a silver lining of any cloud that descends upon your life is a good quality to nurture. Today is my first real Saturday since I moved out... last Saturday my mom and I were moving (in the heat!) and unpacking etc. Today my mom is back to her schedule of being gone all weekend, so I have the whole upstairs to myself, which is way nice.

Bekah and I woke up pretty early... I thought covering the bird would help but then Bekah was worried about him not singing! What a funny bug. Tami and I went to Walmart at about 7:30 this morning to avoid the crazies... I needed a shield for my windshield and found a duper cute Ed Hardy one with goldfish on it. I got bekah a little matching one for the back seat.

Today has been a day of chilling and it's so lovely. There is no giant house to clean, because the people I live with clean up their own messes! What a revelation that is! I have some laundry and some dishes to do but no need to clean all the things :) I keep my space clean, I do my laundry and dishes, I cook and clean and it's so much better than before!

I think I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I used to just spend the weekends vegging in front of the TV because my life was exhausting. Now I feel... I don't know the appropriate word. But it really makes me see how long I haven't been happy. How long I've been living on back-up power. It was time for this to happen. I'm really sad at the way it happened, I wish he'd have just manned up and said he was done so I'd had a little more time... but oh well. What's done is done.

Tonight I'm meeting with him to talk the D word. I'm anxious to get it done and over with. Then we can both just go forward.

I feel like I'm just rambling on about boring life tidbits. I hope I haven't bored you to tears! :)

A quick story before work:

Friday, July 30, 2010

This story popped up on CNN.com today, and I am just ridiculously outraged! It's about Home Birth being significantly more dangerous than a hospital birth. It's very much one sided, and my favorite part is that at the end, they slip in that a hospital birth is preferred for HIGH RISK pregnancies. They really don't say anything about the other 95% of women who have normal low risk pregnancy... but the article uses insane fear tactics to scare women out of home birth.

The way they have mixed these quotes from different studies together to make a fear article is biased and just wrong. About 30% of women in Europe have home births, and yet their infant morbidity and mortality rate is much lower than ours!

You know that the medical industry is behind this somewhere! FOLLOW THE MONEY!

The meaning of life

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Recent evens have thrown into sharp relief the meaning of my life. As I type this I'm watching my sweet little daughter fall asleep (very begrudgingly) across from me. I watch her fight the droopiness of her eyelids and I smile.

I'd forgotten how completely happy this little girl can make me. I've been so wrapped up in my marriage, in my house, in my failing relationship with her father to really see the beauty that this little girl emanates. Its so easy to get caught up in the daily muck that I had lost the meaning of being her mom. Now with it just being her and I, I am awed by the responsibility, and the reward.

Just this evening I held her while she cried for no reason. Tired, grumpy, and not knowing what she wanted. I held her while she cried, then made her "Bekah Rice" and sat feeding her a spoonful at a time while she watched Wall-E and tried to stop crying.

The night before last I got to wake up at 2 am to comfort her and wipe her runny nose. I was at her mercy, and I didn't care. I thought what a gift she is in my life, even when it's too early, or I'm too tired. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh, and when I think of everything she's going through right now (unbeknown to her) she makes me cry.

Now as I sit here and watch her fight the weight of her eyelids I can't help but feel awestruck at the wonderful little person I get to raise. This funny, adorable, sweet, brilliant little girl. She is the meaning of my life, and I'm so ok with that. I'm so thrilled to get to be her mom.

Mani-Pedi of DOOM

You must go read about the adventures my little boo had last night with some nail polish here. That girl will have me completely gray by the time I'm 30! Yikes.

Today I get to start the two days of hell here at work... backing up everyone and their dog while trying to do my own work! I guess I should get off the blog and work... yeah?

Review Time

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So so far both of my first posts have been about work... jeez, I'm obsessed! Anyway today is my yearly review. We got about 2/3 done before lunch, now I'm eating (and blogging) and we'll wrap up in an hour. I think it's going really well. I think back to where I was 3 years ago when I started here, and I feel like I've grown exponentially. I started here thinking my admin job would be a piece of cake... and it was. I got lazy, I stopped giving my all and ran at about 40%. Then I got a kick in the ass from my boss at the time who told me he knew I was capable of so much more.

Since then I've really started taking ownership of my job. I am proud of what I do, and what my company does. I care when things go out wrong, and do everything to rectify them. I smile when we get a job that I put the proposal together on. Did I do the technical writing? The sales pitch? No... but I put that proposal together, I put my heart and soul into making it perfect... and I like to think that it makes a difference. I've never cared so much about a job before.

I've grown and changed while working here, I'm embarrassed when I think about the employee I was 3 years ago. I can only hope that the excellent job I continue to do now, the changes, the improvements and the growth I exhibit will make up for the mediocre job I did then.

Ok, wow dunno why I blogged about that, but anyway... yeah it's going really well. I'm a single mom now and my job is taking on a new importance in my life :)

Oh, I will have to post pictures of Bekah's new haircut... ADORABLE! :) She looks so cute with it chopped off all short.

Ok, time to eat my taco!

Another Year!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sunday was my third anniversary at WesTech. Today we had our anniversary breakfast for all those hired in July. Last years was more fun... this one was kind of like a meeting. If it weren't for the cinnamon roll as big as my head, I so would have not gone lol.

Ah well, two more years and I get an extra week of vacation (WOOT!) Tomorrow is my employee evaluation and next month I get my raise. It's a good couple weeks goin on! Work is still crazy stressful, since they haven't yet replaced Cindy, she can't move to her new position. So that leaves us all to kind of pick up the slack until she does. Just a couple more weeks of that and then everything can go back to normal.

The funny thing is when I started at WesTech I was recently separated and living with my mom. Funny how circular life can be lol. Tonight I need to buckle down and put away the last two loads of laundry, and organize my stuff. I bought some really cool little totes at Target for a buck. I think I'll put boo's shoes (rhymes!) in one, and all my extra toiletries in another. How did I get so much hair/body/face stuff? Methinks I need to weed through that stuff before I store it.

My giant TV is awesome in my tiny little room, glad I kept it! Bekah watches movies on it. I gotta get the antennae set up an see if I can get any TV at all on it.

My mom gave me her old busted laptop to have. The on-button doesn't work but Steven says he can fix it. WAHOO! I can be wireless! That means I don't have to take up half my room with my desktop. Suweet! I love my friends :D

Ok time to keep on truckin.

The beginning

Monday, July 26, 2010

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I love a fresh blog!