Untitled Whine

Friday, August 6, 2010

I. Am. So. Tired.

I'm starting to appreciate how exhausting the next three months are going to be. Being pregnant and working full time isn't something I've experienced before. When I was pregnant with Rebekah I stopped working at the point I'm at right now. I laid on the couch and gained 40 pounds in 3 months though... that was interesting.

I knew that this would be a challenge for me, something I'd never done before. Luckily my job isn't particularly physical, and they all know I'm pregnant so no lifting etc. for me. I get to use the elevator too! :D What I hadn't banked on was doing this alone. When I approached Ben about doing this for Honey, he was enthusiastic about it. I laid out the worst case scenario. What if we had to cut back on things if I needed a little time off at the end? Fine! What if you have to take care of Bekah by yourself for a while? Fine! He said he was ready to do this with me.

And six months later he left me. So now this wonderful thing that I get to do feels less like the beautiful gift it is, and more like a burden. It's not fair that I am now doing this all by myself. Doing this while caring for a three-year-old by myself. Doing this while sleeping in my mom's front room. Doing this while trying to file a divorce and make ends meet. If there is anything at all that hurts about him leaving me, it's this. Where is the man who promised to rub my calves when they ached? Where is the man who said he'd hold my hand when it all got to be too much?

He's at his house, with his new lover. He's going to work and coming home to someone to hold him, and help HIM through this mess. He's sleeping solidly though the night with no wife next to him crying because her body hurts.

If this is a test I'll pass it. If it's the universe's way of showing me how strong I am, I'll show it right back. I know I have good and right on my side. I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing family, and a wonderful best friend, who if given the chance would do this for me. If I had to make the choice knowing I'd be doing this alone, I'd still have done it for my Honey.

I am just so tired...


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