Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Oh my dear blog, it's been far too long.

Last weekend marked one year since I started my journey, my new life, and this blog. I need to not neglect it! My life is incredibly exciting right now, and I'm on the cusp of attaining so many things I have been wanting for so long. I'm beginning the process to buy a house, I'm working toward getting back to school to get a degree, and I'm more financially stable than I've ever been, thanks to a great job. My life is starting to finally turn out the way I'd dreamed, and I'm doing it myself.

Not that I'm alone, I have fantastic friends, family, and a loving boyfriend to support me. But these goals are mine, and I am so happy to be accomplishing them for me.

Exciting things are coming, and I don't have as much time to update as I'd like... but I promise to come back more often.

Then and Now.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Daemon is 6 months old. How crazy is that? It seems like just weeks ago he was new and squirmy. The world was different 6 months ago. How can so much change in so little time? I used to think that babies defied time. They grew so fast they were mocking it. Now I really think they embody time. They show us how much really does change in a day, a week, a month, a year. So much we hardly notice. We see it in our children, because it's a physical manifestation... but in ourselves it's so much more subtle.

6 months ago I had just had a baby. I was tired and sore... relieved and exhausted. My room was my mom's living room, shared with my daughter. I wasn't very happy with my situation, but understood the need to be taken care of... to be in a home. I was being taken care of by the most amazing women, most especially my mother, and Briana, my dear midwife...

I was single, a few months out from the end of my marriage. I felt like I was on the cusp of a new life, and I remember impatience to see it come to fruition.

Today my body is back to normal (minus quite a bit of weight) I am tired and sore from planting flowers at my house. My home. Just me and Bekah, living in our own house... independent and loving it. My mom's house is back to normal. My mom still takes care of me, but my world has a hole in it where Briana was. I miss her.

I'm in a relationship with an amazing man, who loves me, truly and completely. What more could I ask for there?

My life has started... and every day I'm trying more and more to be present in the moment. To live for today, and not in yesterday. I have this bright future ahead of me... but more important is the now. Right this moment? I am so very, completely, utterly happy.

A path affirmed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm truly in wonder at how much the death of my favorite midwife has been affecting me. In the grand scheme of things, I knew her a very short time. I met her in May of last year... almost a year ago. Initially our relationship was a very warm, yet professional one. As my pregnancy wore on, and the days and weeks grew longer, she became a friend.

I remember my last clinic appointment with her... I was 40 1/2 weeks along, and at the end of my very frayed rope. It was time. Time for my life to get started, time to be back in my own body. Time.

She told me something amazing that day. She said that we are organisms under the same laws of nature as everything else. We are born, we reproduce, we die. All things have a beautiful, natural time table. Just like flowers always bloom, babies are always born. She taught me to trust in that natural time-line. I knew that wasn't just to comfort me, but that she lived that same way herself.

I look at the untimeliness of her death, and feel that same pit in my stomach I did at her office that day. I know if she were here, she would tell me to trust in the forces I can't see. That everything has a season, and even though I don't like it or understand it, there is something beyond us that does understand.

She was a wise, smart, deep woman. I am still learning from her. I will continue to try and live in her example. One of my life goals is now cemented in place. When Rebekah is older, I plan on pursuing midwifery. I do it because of Briana. Because of what she taught me, and what she showed me.

Thank you Briana.

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Today I am mourning the loss of a friend. Briana was my midwife, but in the short year I knew her she quickly became a friend. 

Saturday she was tragically killed in a car accident. I can't even begin to describe my shock. She was so young, and had so much to still do. She saw her job as a calling, and it truly was. She was called to do this work. I feel like there is a piece of my heart missing, and a hole in the world where she was. It's incredible to me I'll never see her again. 

I am so grateful that we had a wonderful photographer document my birth, more than ever now. Thank you Carolee for creating this beautiful birth story. I see these pictures of Briana and remember the incredible woman she was.

 I'll never forget the first time I met Briana. I hadn't expected someone so young when that door opened up. There she was, not much older than me, and ready to guide me through the unknown world of home birth. Her calm wisdom struck me immediately. I could sense she was incredibly deep under that very serene exterior. The deep kind of wisdom and strength that made you feel stronger, just being around her.
 Briana saved me. She was my anchor when I felt like I was out of control. She was my guide when I was scared. Through 60 exhausting hours of labor, she infused me with her calm strength. 

 She taught me to trust my body, and to trust myself. She showed me how wonderfully strong I am. I learned what I was capable of. She held my hand through the worst and best moments of my life. I am forever changed by her.

 I will miss her sweet smiles; her wise and well-thought words; her strong, soft hands; and the way she could immediately make the room warm with her presence. Briana will live on in the babies she birthed so calmly into the world, and the women she taught to trust their divinity.

Briana, you are so very missed.

Remember when my life wasn't insane? I do...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm sorry I'm so bad about updating this anymore. It's just that since the turmoil in my life has slowed down into normal, every-day bumps and scrapes, I no longer feel the need to post all my craziness. It also helps I have a someone to share (burden) my crazy with.

Yes, it's true. I'm in a relationship. His name is Mark, and I'm ecstatic that I'm with him. He and I actually met the last time Ben and I broke up... but the timing wasn't right. Then in November he sent me a message on facebook, asking if I remembered him etc. We struck up a friendship, and started seeing each other casually. We became best friends almost instantly, and by February we were spending every weekend together. I started feeling warm and fuzzy about him toward the end of February, but we were both fairly new out of relationships, and decided we should take it slow. A couple of weeks ago I met another guy, and agreed to go on a date with him, but before I could go on said date, Mark decided he really didn't want me dating other guys... and asked if I'd be his girlfriend.

Can I just tell you, I feel like a 15-year-old girl writing this? I've never done this whole, boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It's pretty much awesome. With Ben we just went so fast I never got to enjoy any of this dating stuff. It's pretty awesome.

And Mark is a great boyfriend... for the whole 11 days we've been together ;)

So yeah, work is still crazy, my life is very busy the next 6 weeks getting ready for Becca's wedding, and concerts and boyfriend.


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Isn't it strange the way things come about,
How change is like a tear here, a rip there?
At first you can't see the transformation
Quiet and slow it creeps up on you... different.

Little bits of yourself flutter away
Like paper confetti as you move.
Pieces of you fall away, never to be reclaimed
Leaving holes where they were.

I'm full of holes now.

Status Report

Friday, March 11, 2011

My new job is awesome.

Actually, I do have a lot more work/responsibility/accountability/etc. to deal with, which means I get yelled at more... but I still love it. Is that crazy? Maybe.

I'm so much more relaxed now that I actually have the job. The ability to be more autonomous has definitely made me less stressed. I'm still in the learning curve but I know a lot more than I thought I did, and it's really nice to already be considered an expert in these things. I like the respect that I'm getting now.

In other aspects my life is as good as my job. I'm really enjoying the time I've been spending with good friends and my family. I'm enjoying the freedom of my personal life, but also enjoying having someone spend that free time with.

I still feel like most days are a battle to figure out what I really want from life, who I want to be. It's less scary than it was 6 months ago. I can't believe I'm coming up on a year since Ben and I split. That's going to be an odd anniversary. I feel like that chapter of my life is finally closed. I can truly move on from that period and enjoy this newness.

I don't really have much exciting to write. I work a lot, and I'm a mom the rest of the time. On my weekends off I spend my time hanging out with Mark and watching movies. Nothing particularly interesting in my world. And that's sort of the way I like it!!

Promotional Period.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It happened. I got the promotion at work! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ok, I just really have needed to do that since 3:00 PM today when I found out it was officially mine! After a very intense interview (I think it went really well) my boss' boss asked if I'd like the position, told me how much my new salary was (chaa-ching). I walked around my local cube farm with a look of splendor on my face only seen in musicals when a character is about to burst into song about loving a guy, or her dreams for her future...

I about started spinning and singing something like "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful jooooob!"

Sad, but true.

I feel like I can finally move on in my career, in my life... like I can start being a good parent again because I no longer have to straddle two jobs. Huzzah! My legs were getting tired.

Black and Blue

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Have you ever felt like you're fighting yourself? Like every choice, every motivation, every want or need is questioned through the process?

I'm definitely treating myself to the Spanish Inquisition lately. It's a bit wearing, but there is method to my madness. The choices I've made and the direction of my life the last few years was decidedly not what I wanted. I let myself go along with other choices. I let myself be swayed by others. I formed some really bad habits, and some of them desperately need to be broken.

But I've been finding out some lovely things about myself as well. And instead of beating myself up for the stupid things I've done, I've decided I want to list some of the wonderful things I'm discovering. I need a bit of a boost today.

I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible.
I am beautiful.
I am honest. Sometimes too much so.
I am deep.
I am intelligent.
I am kind.
I am passionate.

I haven't let myself be these things in a long time. I am enjoying forming myself outside of a relationship. I'm 8 months out from the end of my marriage. That's crazy to me. This summer it'll be a year of self-discovery. Sort of like a mid-mid-life crisis... I love it.

Also, 26 is scaring the HELL out of me for some reason. I like 25 much better. At least I have another 8 months til that happens!

Dashed lines

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Well I only got one reply on the hair... but I think I'll keep it in my hair style rotation. I wore it today in fact! They looked amazing with my cute vintage-looking shoes I got last week...

<3 them!

 Well the crazy agent training at work went really well. It was nice to meet all our sales agents and start forming the relationship I'll need with them in the coming years. If I ever officially get the proposal coordinator position, I'll be working with them a lot. They were such nice guys, and it was crazy/hectic/fun running the events with Cindy.

Pretty much I'm enjoying my whole life. It's amazing how when you're settled, and content... that lift starts to just fall into place for you. When I say content I don't mean stagnant... I continue wondering, wanting, seeking and reaching. But I'm content within myself... happy with who I am. I'm having fun discovering things about me, and finding happiness in the little things.

I have some amazing friends... my heart is whole and happy. I have done some amazing things with my life, and I can't wait to see what's coming up for me tomorrow. This is going to be an amazing year, I can feel it in my bones.

Come along for the ride?


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm still trying to figure out my life. It's a slow process. I start going down one path, then I  question myself... why am I doing this? Is it because it's easy? Fast? What I really want?

Let's just say I keep ending up back where I was before. Well, I guess I am slogging through and making progress. Two steps forward, one step back.

Anyway, I've been loving some very vintage and retro styles lately, and since I'm at a complete loss for what my style is, I've decided to add a bit of rockabilly flair into the mix. And that means bright red lipstick (HOT!) and victory rolls.

After watching several youtube videos on victory rolls, I think I'm getting pretty good at them. Totally War Era Awesomeness.

Below are some pics of the hair. Let me know what you think. Is this hairstyle a keeper? I think so... :)

I can

Monday, January 24, 2011

Whenever I forget how strong I am... I just remember where I've been. I did something amazing. I can do anything.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, and came upon a realization, that made me stop, think and reevaluate. I have discovered that I have spent many of the past years running on a quarter of a tank. This is the first time, in a very long time I've been anywhere close to full, and it's because of the people I am keeping around me.

I have discovered that many people in my life, friends, boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, they take what they need from me, and then don't really give back. That they know I'm kind, giving and helpful, and take advantage of that. My cup is never full, because I'm busy filling others.

By separating from those people, I've finally started to fill up again. And it feels amazing. No more people coming into my life and taking what they need from me, with no return. I'm done with that. I've separated myself from those negative friends who only want to speak ill of others, or get my sympathy. From the men who come to me for rebound healing before moving onto their next girlfriend, while never giving me anything more than a tumble. The coworkers who seek to manipulate me into doing their work, then taking the credit, or who simply want me to gossip about the other.

By separating from these people I feel like I'm finally filling up again, and I don't think I'm going to be as willing to open my cup for just anyone anymore. I'm going to be far pickier with my love.

I have wonderful friends and family who give as much as they get, and they are helping me heal so beautifully. Without my mother, my sister, my Honey... I would have been empty a very long time ago! And newer friends who mean just as much to me. I'm healing, I'm filling up, and it's wonderful.

To a very full new year!


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's true. I have a problem. One I'm not likely to kick this year. I won't even bother adding it to my "resolutions." Nope, I'm a Shop-a-holic and proud! And I found this place that has some great wall art and decor and I can't wait to get some cute stuff for my front room!

I am a huge fan of online shopping. I love not having to go over hill and dale to find what I need... especially with a 4-year-old in tow!

Now I'm in my new place, my biggest hurdle has been decorating my walls. I have these huge square rooms with lots of wall space. I really need to find something cool for over my couch, and Bekah's bedroom on her green walls....

They have some really cute vinyl phrases and kid's decor I'm eying for Boo's room... And some freaking awesome clocks I'm absolutely in love with! Wouldn't a huge clock look awesome over my couch?

Sigh. New Years Resolutions be damned... I wanna shop!

Learned, Forgiven and Discovered.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Those three words describe my review of the past year.

I have learned about myself, my limits, my strength, my abilities. I had no idea the strength that resided in my body. In the darkest moments, in my solitude I was pushed to the edge of being and came back with knowledge: I am amazing. I deserve be treated that way. I know this about myself now, and won't take less than I deserve. I'm smart, funny, beautiful and deeply passionate. I am strong and able.

I have forgiven those that hurt me. I understand that forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is freedom from anger and bitterness. It is the ability to move on from those injuries that can keep us tied to those moments in time. Forgiveness is healing and wonderful. It came second to the learning. Once I learned who I was, I began to forgive. Because I learned I deserve to be free.

I discovered a person forgotten. A funny, smart, artistic person who loves music, art and poetry. Someone who wears band t-shirts and does funky stuff with her hair. I'd forgotten her, I'd left her, I've missed her. It's enchanting to discover her again and remember her passion and love of life.

This year is going to be amazing for me. I just know it. Things will settle down, life will become calm and wonderful again.

Thank you 2010. You taught me some painfully wonderful things. And now it's time to grow, and change.