Ouch.

I just about ripped off two toenails.. OUCH! At first I thought I'd just stubbed them really bad. You know that adrenaline response your body has immediately? Makes you feel like, "Oh ouch! Oh, no wait that's ok cool!" Then I look down two minutes later... and there is blood dripping out of two of my middle toenails... like down my toes onto the floor. It looked like something from a horror movie.

I calmly look at them and think, huh, that's odd. I wonder why they're bleeding. Guess I'll go dress them, and put some neosporin on. Don't want an infection! La di da, I casually dress them and as I'm finishing up... THROB. Oh, that hurts a little, now the blood makes sense... I walk around a bit, say goodbye to Serenity (she was enjoying my first shoofly pie...) and then THROB THROB THROB OH holy hell what did I do??

At this point I sit down and feel my toes. They hurt. Badly. And they're swelling in their little wrappers. Ow. So I sit a moment... then decide I should go sit on my bed and put my foot up. I take that first step, confident it'll feel like the one I took, oh two minutes previously. Wrong. In the two minutes I'd examined my toes, they had decided to no longer hold up my big, pregnant, clumsy body and I had to half limp, half hop to my bed.

Did I bring ice? No. Did I bring tylenol or a drink? No. So now I'm stranded on an isle of mattress, with a tricky three-year-old who has been moments away from a tantrum all day. Then my mom calls. And that's when it all came to a teary end...

Have you ever noticed how when your mom calls you can't pretend to be ok? You try and put on your big girl voice... and then she says something that disarms you. Something in that caring momma voice... and it's all over. And I had a breakdown.

She only heard the part of it I tried really hard to hide on the phone. You know how your voice get's all high and weird. "No I'm o-o-o-k m-mom." *sob* "I'm just, just, just t-t-tired..." *sob* Yeah... she see's right through it. Anyway I had a full on double breakdown after I hung up. You know the kind... where everything that's ever gone wrong in your day/week/life suddenly weighs upon you.

Granted I have a lot to cry about... plus the hormones make it so much the better. I finally cleaned myself up, hugged my snotty three-year-old who was at the moment so adorable it hurt. Now I'm rotating between icing the toes of doom (still swelling...) and hobbling around getting things ready for bed. I loathe that anyone had to witness my pathetic moment, even my mom. Now my big girl panties are hitched up, and all is well.

But my toes REALLY hurt...

Interview with a boring person

I don't post much anymore. My life is pretty boring. Yeah there is a divorce, a surrogate pregnancy, me sharing a room with a 3-year-old, and the complete change of my life... but other than that I truly live a boring life.

I go to work, I come home, I sometimes help cook, mostly my mom feeds me. A lot. Bekah is going to school and loving it... yeah not a lot to say. Sad that after the monumental things I don't have much to talk about.

I could talk about pregnancy, but that always bores people to tears. No one cares except the pregnant person lol. Just 10 more weeks and this baby is gonna be born, and I could not be happier. I am SO ready to not be pregnant, to get into my own place and start my and my daughter's life again. Hallelujah!

See? This is why I don't blog. No one cares about all that! Sigh. You all should update. I am interested in your lives FAR more than my own.

It's raining, it's pouring

And I'm stuck inside for lunch today. No lunch to eat, and no way I'm going out in that hurricane... I hope it dissipates soon, but I also kinda hope it goes on all day :)

I love the sound of the rain. Makes me wish I was home, on my covered back porch, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of chai tea watching it rain like mad. That sounds like heaven right now. Guess it's impossible though, it's not my house anymore... sigh.

Bekah is loving her new daycare which is a relief. My mom and I have both noticed a significant change in her mood. This place is much more structured, and there are less children, 16 total with a ratio of 1-8, so she doesn't get lost like she did at the center. Plus there are only a couple her age. She'll have fun when they start the preschool curriculum next month... she is so smart that the focus will be good for her. Until then we'll keep up with the flash cards (her favorite thing now!) and the puzzles. I can't believe how focused she can get. Anything for some one-on-one time with me or Grammy or Tami.

This Sunday we have a booth at the people's market! How cool is that? Sunday at the Peace Gardens in West Valley (900W and 1000S) from 10 AM to 2 PM. The weather is supposed to be perfect! I'm not selling much, just some cards I made... but my mom and aunt are selling some way cool stuff.

Saturday is Honey's baby shower... that should be interesting! Nothing like being the guest of honor's surrogate! I'm the baby momma, but not the momma! I love it :)

Well enough rambling, I suppose I'll just keep working through my lunch since I'm not leaving in this storm!

Barnes and Noble saves me again!

This is the book I bought for Bekah tonight. Ben took some time with her tonight (YAY!) and I actually found myself with a few hours to myself for the first time in a long while. I went to dinner with Serenity then went to Barnes and Noble to find this book. In my State Mandated Divorce Education class they gave us a list of good books for kids in each age category. This one is the most recommended one online, and so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Tonight when I picked her up from Dad's I told her we'd read it for bedtime. I think it went over really well. Parts of it didn't apply (it has chapters sorta, and you can skip) but some were very applicable. I loved the section that talked about emotion, because after we read it Bekah said "It's ok to be sad?" And I said "Yeah it sure is." She kind of smiled about that. I feel like it was a good tool to talk about some things she's been worried about.

I guess this sounds like book club today, just thought I'd share my evening :)

Now to eat some candy and go to bed early. Woo, I live the high life!

Bekah Loves Kitties.

Bekah loves kitties. Our neighbor has a really friendly kitty who comes over and loves on her in the evenings when we're outside. She loves and loves and loves on Bekah. Bekah forgets that she needs to be gentle and starts pulling her tail and squeezing her, which the cat puts up with for about a minute before she nips at Bekah.

Bekah then gets all sad "He bite me!" and we have to remind her about basic kitty safety. This video I stole from Hyperbole and a Half, the funniest blog ever, just made me laugh so hard. Those little blonde pigtails remind me of Bekah! Enjoy!

Mamma Mia

So tonight I get to go take a class on divorce. Ben's going to take the same one I think. Jeez, that ought to be fun......

Anyway I'd really like to update, but my life is kinda boring as of late. I mean, besides the whole earthshaking, life-changing crap going on. But you already know about all of that. Nothing new there. I guess I'm lucky it's not full of crazy drama. I'm glad that he's being amiable to most things, and he is being very respectful of my position as Boo's mom. Yesterday after I chewed him out for a bad choice (driving our daughter in a potentially unsafe car) he actually complimented me on being a good mom. It's not hard... you just put her first. Always.

I guess maybe that comes easier to some of us... to the more mature, or more responsible lot. I've always been a mom. At least I know that's one thing I'm good at. Even if the other stuff in my life comes crashing down... I'm a great mom.

She's a great kid too. She's had a really rough week. I'm so tired of yelling at her, putting her in time-out and dealing with "NO!" from her. I know she's testing her boundries with me. Now that dad is the "fun" parent who doesn't discipline her anymore, I am the authoritarian, and she needs to know where my boundaries are. Having your boundaries tested sucks. Just so you know.

Any-who I guess back to my lunch. Wish me luck at the class with the interesting company tonight :)

Decisions, Decisions...

I now have my laptop up and running thanks to my very sweet IT guru friend (and his beautiful "not" girlfriend). Thanks you two! :)

These two are the cutest couple you've ever seen. I don't want to get too much into their private life, but it's definitely had me contemplating (and probably giving way TOO much advice on) following one's heart. Through everything that has happened this month, I've finally given 100% to trusting my instincts. They've never steered me wrong. I have been steered very wrong by bishops, by well-meaning friends and coworkers. I've not listened to those who know me best, because I didn't like what they had to say... that's no good reason to not listen!

Here is my theory on how to gain true happiness.

A) Listen to your gut. It will never steer you wrong! Some people call it intuition, spirit, or just a gut feeling. You know when something doesn't feel right. LISTEN to that feeling. Our core can hear and see so much more clearly than our flawed eyes and ears can. We get muddled, wrapped up in emotions and thoughts, but our core, our gut can clear out the fog and help us know what's right.

B) Always listen to advice... but always take it with a grain of salt. What I mean is, ask yourself these questions. 1. Who is giving the advice? Their position in your life determines the weight at which you place their advice (best friend over nosy neighbor...) 2. How has their advice done in the past? Does your mom always advise based on her feelings and not yours? Is your BFF always giving the WRONG advice? 3. Have they experienced something similar to your dilemma? Are they truly informed/experienced or are they giving anecdotal advice? 4. When you ponder on that advice, how does it make you feel? What does your gut say?

C) After you make a decision, bad or good, right or wrong... evaluate it! Learn from it! Did you really listen to your gut? Who's advice did you follow? Did you ask for that trusted advice from the right person? Pull out that journal and write down your decision process, the feelings, the good and bad, and the outcome. What did you NOT do, what will you do differently next time? Then next time that big decision comes up... you can pull out your own advice! You can listen to someone who knows you best!

Who am I to give you this advice though? Of course you're taking this with a grain of salt right? Right? Good. Because I am not an expert. Just someone who has lived through consequence after consequence of my own bad decisions. I am not an expert in making good choices... but I am an expert in learning from the bad ones!

And because of how I am, I feel the need to tell others what I've learned. We need others who've done it to help us, we need to help others going through it, because teaching is the best way to learn.

Untitled Whine

I. Am. So. Tired.

I'm starting to appreciate how exhausting the next three months are going to be. Being pregnant and working full time isn't something I've experienced before. When I was pregnant with Rebekah I stopped working at the point I'm at right now. I laid on the couch and gained 40 pounds in 3 months though... that was interesting.

I knew that this would be a challenge for me, something I'd never done before. Luckily my job isn't particularly physical, and they all know I'm pregnant so no lifting etc. for me. I get to use the elevator too! :D What I hadn't banked on was doing this alone. When I approached Ben about doing this for Honey, he was enthusiastic about it. I laid out the worst case scenario. What if we had to cut back on things if I needed a little time off at the end? Fine! What if you have to take care of Bekah by yourself for a while? Fine! He said he was ready to do this with me.

And six months later he left me. So now this wonderful thing that I get to do feels less like the beautiful gift it is, and more like a burden. It's not fair that I am now doing this all by myself. Doing this while caring for a three-year-old by myself. Doing this while sleeping in my mom's front room. Doing this while trying to file a divorce and make ends meet. If there is anything at all that hurts about him leaving me, it's this. Where is the man who promised to rub my calves when they ached? Where is the man who said he'd hold my hand when it all got to be too much?

He's at his house, with his new lover. He's going to work and coming home to someone to hold him, and help HIM through this mess. He's sleeping solidly though the night with no wife next to him crying because her body hurts.

If this is a test I'll pass it. If it's the universe's way of showing me how strong I am, I'll show it right back. I know I have good and right on my side. I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing family, and a wonderful best friend, who if given the chance would do this for me. If I had to make the choice knowing I'd be doing this alone, I'd still have done it for my Honey.

I am just so tired...

Her Majesty

To say my daughter is spoiled is probably an understatement... Living with Grammy is like being a little princess with ladies in waiting attending to her highness' every need.

While our morning routine used to consist of me trying to shower while she watched Dora, then wrangle her into her clothing before having to dash out the door... now it's quite the royal affair.

First Bekah wakes Grammy with a chorus of "SUN'S UP!" and then the little monarch is asked what she'd like for breakfast. Oatmeal? Sure... Cheerios? Of course! Chocolate yogurt? Why ever not?? Then Tami comes up and joins the party. While I'm running trying to get ready her highness is given breakfast, "coffee" milk, orange juice, attention, just about anything she could want!

When I come in with her clothes, and she get's grumpy, Grammy talks her into getting dressed, Tami is her personal hair stylist and both shower her in kisses and hugs as she departs for her day at School.

Now, this isn't to say this arrangement doesn't have personal benefits for yours truly. I get an extra couple minutes to make sure my shoes match, and my hair looks decent. Hell, I also get some royal breakfast and coffee before I dash!

My worry is for when we're in our own place again... Bekah is going to call around the house and wonder where her ladies in waiting are? Perhaps we'll have to have breakfast at Grammy's once in a while... she'll be so desperately deprived!

God I hate Tuesdays...

I don't know why, but Tuesdays are so much worse than Mondays for me. I just want to go back home and veg all day! I really hate Tuesdays. :(

Today on top of it all I'm feeling all queasy and gross... and my hormones are all over the place. I burst into tears this morning over nothing, then went to talk to my boss about something and did it again. It's so embarrassing to be so emotional today. Everything keeps making me tear up.

I may just see about leaving a bit early today, I'm so ridiculously grumpy! Like Bekah before a nap... ("I NO EAT DA TUNA!")

Not much of note to write. I did all my cool stuff this weekend and posted it... now it's just boring work, and lame work drama (crazy coworker!!)

So consider this an update :D

Un-retail Therapy

I feel like such a grown-up this week. I served Ben his divorce papers yesterday. How is that for fast? From separation to filing in a week. I went online and did it all myself. I took them to the courthouse Friday on my lunch, and served Ben yesterday. I'm freaking on top of it. Makes me feel OLD though.

This weekend has been the weekend of shopping for Tami and I, I swear... We hit Michaels, because I needed some candles and other fun things. I got this candle and holder.

I love Halloween because of the lovely Gothic look of everything. It's my favorite holiday! Plus you put something like this on your altar and people think you're a devil worshiper which is always really fun :D
Check out the little dangling skulls...

Tami and I also spotted this feather wreath. She produced a 40% off coupon for me and BAMMO! I am now the proud owner of the coolest wreath in the world. I mean really... how could you not just LOVE this??

Today Ben took Bekah in the morning, so Tami and I went to People's market. It was way fun, we spent about two hours there just looking at stuff, eating food, buying WAY too much... and having a great time. There were some truly awesome things!

First off I needed some new stones. All my old ones were from my married life, and had that imbibed into them. I needed fresh stones with a fresh start. These four felt the best, and then I discovered why! Three of them (green jasper, red jasper, and the agate) are spiritual cleansers that help with the healing and the heart chakra, the fourth (tiger's eye) helps with healing and rejuvenation of the body. Yes, I'm a dork :)

These are the super cool necklaces I got. The top one is a piece of shell with "Joy" written on it, that I just loved. The bottom one is going to be the first of many! This lady finds the coolest art scraps and puts them in glass necklaces. This print is from the old OZ books, this is the princess of Oz. How cool and art nouveau is she??

This is something I found last year, and am obsessed with... I LOVE Kai Bula body scrub! It's all natural, organic, non-toxic (actually edible so kids/pets won't get sick) and it does WONDERS for the body. I have now converted my mom and my aunt. I think we'll need to send some to Bobbie and get her converted, but in Texas she doesn't have the dry skin problems we do here!

We also bought some fun food, and a container of tomatoes for Bekah. The has eaten the whole thing already! That girl loves her fruit...

Well there is my photo journey through the things I've bought this weekend. Retail therapy works so much better when it's not retail!!

Can't wait til Tami and I go next weekend!