Frustration

Being a single mom is a challenge to say the least. Less challenging if you have the other parent around in the least. Well... in the least would definitely define how often Ben has been coming around to see Bekah.

I'm incredibly frustrated with the whole situation. I see posts on his boyfriend's (or as Ben so tastefully calls him, his husband... we aren't even divorced yet!) facebook about game nights, hot tubs, them taking a week off together etc., and yet he goes a week without even calling his daughter on a regular basis.

He pays his child support. He pays all the money he owes toward our mutual debt and Bekah's preschool tuition. He pays. But he doesn't come around much. I really hate to spew all this on my blog, but it's so frustrating. It's hard to watch her literally jump up and down and shout "I so excited!!" Whenever he deigns to spend time with her. It's hard to watch her go from asking about him daily, to weekly, to not at all. He's like an exciting uncle who comes around and does fun stuff with her. Not a Dad. She doesn't even know what a Dad should be anymore.

I don't mind the full-time on call duties that are single parenthood. I'm getting used to it, and my own family is pretty dern amazing at helping me out with her.

I guess what I don't understand is someone who would want to do anything more than spend time with this little bug. How hot tubs and Gay Clubs are more inviting than a night watching a movie with her. I like my time off too, but could I go a week without hearing her voice? No way. I can barely go a day without it. I love that I'm the parent now... but my heart aches for my little snugs. The next 10 years will be a difficult road for her if her Dad doesn't shape up.

These things are much too heavy for either of us to be dealing with at this stage of our lives!

Still?

It's hard blogging when I only want to be able to blog about one thing... the end of this blasted pregnancy!

So instead I find new and odd things to post. Today I'll just leave you with a picture of Bekah in her Halloween costume at school. She's a princess on a unicorn. It's pretty dern hilarious.

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Attitude adjustment

I'm better now. I've stopped whining, I've taken some steps to take care of me, I'm asking for more help, trying to get more rest and just accepting this may take a couple more weeks. If I'm still pregnant on the 28th I know what my costume will be for work :) Tee hee.

I got some good Honey time which was really nice... I've missed just having some us time. I love my relationship with her, she's like a sister in that we can just sit and have some tea and cookies and just talk. We talked about work, about the birth, about Daemon, about everything. It's lovely to have someone who understands you so much. I can't wait to bond with her during this labor. I know we'll be soul sisters forever.

So today I am officially 38 weeks! I look ready to pop don't I? He's so big and so low, I really hope he comes soon. Even the long haul isn't so long. 3 more weeks? So doable. See? My attitude rocks!

Well time to get my swollen feets to bed. Night all!!

Deja Vu?

Did you read my post on Sunday? If so... this one is going to seem so familiar.

I came home from work early today because the contractions were strong enough and making me feel crappy enough I couldn't concentrate on anything. Now that I'm home they're still strong but really inconsistent (4 minutes, 8 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes) and I'm just getting to the point of wondering how long I can be in this fuzzy middle-ground of labor? Days? Weeks? Technically he could stay in there until mid-November without us being worried. Will my body do this for that long? Or is there some respite for me?

I need to stop thinking that way and just breathe and take it a day at a time. But God this is killing me. I can't make this baby come, all I can do is believe he's going to do it at the right time.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Desperation

Also... I am thankful for honey to put in the raspberry leaf tea. Turns out I'm not much of a fan....

Well 5:30 certainly is a fun time to wake up on a Sunday morning. The house is dark and quiet, and I had the choice between lying in bed wondering if it was late enough I could get up, or just getting up already. So here I sit... blogging.

My contractions started getting regular and strong again last night. Strong enough I couldn't focus much on the preschooler who was slowly tearing the house in twain. So I called in the cavalry. Mom. :)

She came home and cleaned and kept me company while I breathed away some pretty constant contractions. Off to bed we went, and truly I figured they'd taper off like they did last weekend. (The last time I called her back from Mike's house to take pity on me) Well no... they didn't taper off much. I spent the night waking up thinking "Why am I awake?" then to be overcome by a medium sized contraction. (think god-awful menstrual cramps in the back and front) and then away it'd go. I'd think... why did I wake up a minute BEFORE the contraction? That was a dearly needed minute of sleep, that was!

After trying lying on my back, side, stomach (not doable at this point) and then laying with my head at the foot of my bed for a while, I just gave up, and here I am. The depressing part is they still aren't strong enough to be actual labor... he's still all cozy in there, he just seems to keep wanting to test the emergency broadcast system.

I guess I'll go for a walk today and see if things get moving. If so, I may have this baby by my birthday! YAY. If not, I may spend my birthday sick and crappy feeling... at work. BOO.

Good morning world!

"The I'm grateful song"

Things today that made me enjoy the moment:

My daughter naming every song that comes on the radio. "This is the right now song..." and then singing along. Also for dancing to "the dinosaur song" at the mall and making me dance along with her. She's such a good kid. Who could ask for more??

The clear blue october sky that was so crisp, you could see all the airplane trails crisscrossing across the sky. It was like celestial plaid.

Bananas. I love bananas. I think they're my favorite fruit. They are so mess-free, easy to eat, and conveniently portioned. I love bananas. Thanks mom for buying them :)

Reasons to smile

I had a really lovely appointment with my midwife today. She could tell something was amiss with me, and in her usual style got to the bottom of it really quick. I told her how I'd been having the constant mild contractions for a week, and how tired I was. I ended up sobbing while she provided tissues and a sympathetic ear. (Reason #4,509 midwives ROCK)

She gave me some good advice, along with some red raspberry leaf tea, and some herbal tinctures to help with my cramping.

Now I've decided I need to think of all the GOOD in my life, because I seem to keep dwelling on the bad.

I'm so grateful for my daughter. Though she drives me nutty, and makes me crazy, she also makes me laugh, and smile. She lets me know that babies DO come, and they grow and that time makes fools of us all.

She's bright, funny, independent and inquisitive. I'm so, so grateful for her in my life. Glad I get to be her mom forever.

 I'm so blessed to have my mom. She is such a wonderful woman, strong and determined. She's taught me that I can get through any trial, no matter how bad it seems. No matter how low I feel, it will get better.  So why a picture of a freezer? Because what my mom knows better than anything is when someone is exhausted, tired, and at their breaking point... they don't cook. So she's been cooking her wonderful, healing food. This freezer is full of homemade chili, chicken soup, and a little treat for me... freezer pizza :) Food and love. My mom knows both so very well!

I am grateful for the midwives I've been so blessed to meet during this journey. This is a picture of the red raspberry leaf tea Briana sent me home with (she gave me her whole jar!) These wise and intuitive women have always been able to tell when I'm in crisis, and have helped buoy me up when I needed it. I think about how this journey would be different had we gone with a traditional doctor, and I know that God lead me to the midwives. The universe knew I would need more support than I knew... that I'd be at the end of this journey and be on my own, raising my daughter and in need of some wonderfully wise women who would tell me I could keep going.

I know that everything that happens changes us, makes us grow. I'm learning so much about myself and my soul during this journey. I'm learning that I have untapped strength. That I deserve happiness, and I can give it to myself. That being alone isn't always lonely. And that, as Briana so wisely told me today, I am simply an organism of this earth, that the rules of time and tide apply to me as well. That is a comforting thought. No matter what, I will keep going, I will keep growing and changing.

Take a deep breath, stop focusing on the future and live in the now. I can do this.

Labor of Love

 (30 weeks)

 

(36 weeks)

So I am still all pregnant. Doing ok, just sick of how sick the pre-labor is making me. The cramps have made me so queasy.... and the hormones make me hot and grumpy. I'm trying to keep my chin up and my spirits high, but it is getting hard. I'm ready for the end of this journey.

My mom has decided her new dream job (one of many) would to be a doula. I explained what they do, and she thought that would just be the coolest thing. I agree... since over the weekend she was a fantastic doula for me. She'll be great when I'm in real labor. What a blessing to have a mother like her. I know I'm so lucky to be her daughter. Truly.

Now, to bed, and maybe (just maybe) I'll wake in the grip of full tilt labor!

Tick-Tock

So... I was in labor. For a day and a half. Not rarin' to go "Oh my gosh!" labor, but labor nonetheless. Now however I am not. My uterus did a dry run of the process, I called in the cavalry, we spent all weekend waiting... and by this morning: Nada.

Briana checked me, and I am moving along, but I'm not dilating yet. Just effacing and softening. Both good things! But not full-on labor.

So now I'm kinda bummed. First that everyone got all excited (including me) and second that I have to go back to work on Monday! I thought this was the beginning of  well deserved vacation. Alas no.

Hopefully by this weekend we'll be cooking with gas again. We will see.

Le sigh.

Wise Women

Today I got to meet with my midwife, and also help in the long process of the journey of other midwives in training. They were so sweet and so gentle, it was like being among family.

I watched these wise women in training, wide eyed, smiling, happy to just get to feel a baby in a belly... and it was like seeing into the future. These women will get experienced, their hands won't hesitate, and their nervous smiles will become comforting and nurturing.

What a blessing to get to be a part of that process. It was so nice to meet you ladies!

Forgotten

Today I got to be someone I'd forgotten.

To turn on a mellow playlist, to read a good book, have a cool drink, and quietly wile away my Sunday afternoon. Pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon, two-hour nap and some leisurely laundry.

I enjoy a quiet lazy Sunday. I'd forgotten what they look like. Glad to have some me-time. I miss you, Me.

Blue October

I really need to stop going a week at a time without blogging. But this week I have a perfect excuse. I got the cold from HELL. Sunday my mom discovered her allergies were a cold. I felt so bad for her! The next day the same thing happened to me. Turns out the crazy allergies Bekah had last week was actually a cold in disguise! No wonder she was so crabby... this is a mean cold.

Now I'm on day 5, and still feeling kinda out of it. I think the fever finally broke today, and I'm starting to get some relief from the sinus pressure. Being pregnant I can't take anything fun. Tylenol PM has saved me though... I went two nights with no sleep before I finally took one. Amazing stuff.

Now it's October, my favorite month ever! Have you ever noticed how blue the skies are in october? Not that watery blue of  summer, but almost sapphire colored. So blue that the daytime moon shines almost as bright as it does at night. I think perhaps it's my favorite because of my birthday, or because of halloween, but truly its the weather. Cool and crisp as a fall apple. I can't wait!

I don't think Daemon can wait either. I truly believe he wants to experience this October. Even though his guess date is early November, I really feel like he's on his way already. As of next friday I'm considered full term. That's good because he's showing every sign of coming. All the ladies at work are making bets that I'll go before my birthday. This week he dropped... twice. I now have so much more lung and tummy room, and so much less pelvis and bladder room.

I talk with him, you know? Daemon and I have a funny relationship. I feel more like his grandma or aunt than anything. He's told me he's ready to meet his family... I told him he has to wait at least another week because if he goes before 35 weeks, we have a high-risk delivery. I don't want that! So he needs to wait a week or so to make sure he comes into the world in the calm and comfortable manner we've planned.

He knows I'm talking about him because he's just a kicking me while I write this.

Well happy october all, and I hope to write a little more often this week, since this cold appears to be finally dying.