A path affirmed.

I'm truly in wonder at how much the death of my favorite midwife has been affecting me. In the grand scheme of things, I knew her a very short time. I met her in May of last year... almost a year ago. Initially our relationship was a very warm, yet professional one. As my pregnancy wore on, and the days and weeks grew longer, she became a friend.

I remember my last clinic appointment with her... I was 40 1/2 weeks along, and at the end of my very frayed rope. It was time. Time for my life to get started, time to be back in my own body. Time.

She told me something amazing that day. She said that we are organisms under the same laws of nature as everything else. We are born, we reproduce, we die. All things have a beautiful, natural time table. Just like flowers always bloom, babies are always born. She taught me to trust in that natural time-line. I knew that wasn't just to comfort me, but that she lived that same way herself.

I look at the untimeliness of her death, and feel that same pit in my stomach I did at her office that day. I know if she were here, she would tell me to trust in the forces I can't see. That everything has a season, and even though I don't like it or understand it, there is something beyond us that does understand.

She was a wise, smart, deep woman. I am still learning from her. I will continue to try and live in her example. One of my life goals is now cemented in place. When Rebekah is older, I plan on pursuing midwifery. I do it because of Briana. Because of what she taught me, and what she showed me.

Thank you Briana.

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Today I am mourning the loss of a friend. Briana was my midwife, but in the short year I knew her she quickly became a friend. 

Saturday she was tragically killed in a car accident. I can't even begin to describe my shock. She was so young, and had so much to still do. She saw her job as a calling, and it truly was. She was called to do this work. I feel like there is a piece of my heart missing, and a hole in the world where she was. It's incredible to me I'll never see her again. 

I am so grateful that we had a wonderful photographer document my birth, more than ever now. Thank you Carolee for creating this beautiful birth story. I see these pictures of Briana and remember the incredible woman she was.

 I'll never forget the first time I met Briana. I hadn't expected someone so young when that door opened up. There she was, not much older than me, and ready to guide me through the unknown world of home birth. Her calm wisdom struck me immediately. I could sense she was incredibly deep under that very serene exterior. The deep kind of wisdom and strength that made you feel stronger, just being around her.

 Briana saved me. She was my anchor when I felt like I was out of control. She was my guide when I was scared. Through 60 exhausting hours of labor, she infused me with her calm strength. 

 She taught me to trust my body, and to trust myself. She showed me how wonderfully strong I am. I learned what I was capable of. She held my hand through the worst and best moments of my life. I am forever changed by her.

 I will miss her sweet smiles; her wise and well-thought words; her strong, soft hands; and the way she could immediately make the room warm with her presence. Briana will live on in the babies she birthed so calmly into the world, and the women she taught to trust their divinity.

Briana, you are so very missed.

Remember when my life wasn't insane? I do...

I'm sorry I'm so bad about updating this anymore. It's just that since the turmoil in my life has slowed down into normal, every-day bumps and scrapes, I no longer feel the need to post all my craziness. It also helps I have a someone to share (burden) my crazy with.

Yes, it's true. I'm in a relationship. His name is Mark, and I'm ecstatic that I'm with him. He and I actually met the last time Ben and I broke up... but the timing wasn't right. Then in November he sent me a message on facebook, asking if I remembered him etc. We struck up a friendship, and started seeing each other casually. We became best friends almost instantly, and by February we were spending every weekend together. I started feeling warm and fuzzy about him toward the end of February, but we were both fairly new out of relationships, and decided we should take it slow. A couple of weeks ago I met another guy, and agreed to go on a date with him, but before I could go on said date, Mark decided he really didn't want me dating other guys... and asked if I'd be his girlfriend.

Can I just tell you, I feel like a 15-year-old girl writing this? I've never done this whole, boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It's pretty much awesome. With Ben we just went so fast I never got to enjoy any of this dating stuff. It's pretty awesome.

And Mark is a great boyfriend... for the whole 11 days we've been together ;)

So yeah, work is still crazy, my life is very busy the next 6 weeks getting ready for Becca's wedding, and concerts and boyfriend.

<3

Isn't it strange the way things come about,
How change is like a tear here, a rip there?
At first you can't see the transformation
Quiet and slow it creeps up on you... different.

Little bits of yourself flutter away
Like paper confetti as you move.
Pieces of you fall away, never to be reclaimed
Leaving holes where they were.

I'm full of holes now.

Status Report

My new job is awesome.

Actually, I do have a lot more work/responsibility/accountability/etc. to deal with, which means I get yelled at more... but I still love it. Is that crazy? Maybe.

I'm so much more relaxed now that I actually have the job. The ability to be more autonomous has definitely made me less stressed. I'm still in the learning curve but I know a lot more than I thought I did, and it's really nice to already be considered an expert in these things. I like the respect that I'm getting now.

In other aspects my life is as good as my job. I'm really enjoying the time I've been spending with good friends and my family. I'm enjoying the freedom of my personal life, but also enjoying having someone spend that free time with.

I still feel like most days are a battle to figure out what I really want from life, who I want to be. It's less scary than it was 6 months ago. I can't believe I'm coming up on a year since Ben and I split. That's going to be an odd anniversary. I feel like that chapter of my life is finally closed. I can truly move on from that period and enjoy this newness.

I don't really have much exciting to write. I work a lot, and I'm a mom the rest of the time. On my weekends off I spend my time hanging out with Mark and watching movies. Nothing particularly interesting in my world. And that's sort of the way I like it!!

Promotional Period.

It happened. I got the promotion at work! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ok, I just really have needed to do that since 3:00 PM today when I found out it was officially mine! After a very intense interview (I think it went really well) my boss' boss asked if I'd like the position, told me how much my new salary was (chaa-ching). I walked around my local cube farm with a look of splendor on my face only seen in musicals when a character is about to burst into song about loving a guy, or her dreams for her future...

I about started spinning and singing something like "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful jooooob!"

Sad, but true.

I feel like I can finally move on in my career, in my life... like I can start being a good parent again because I no longer have to straddle two jobs. Huzzah! My legs were getting tired.

Black and Blue

Have you ever felt like you're fighting yourself? Like every choice, every motivation, every want or need is questioned through the process?

I'm definitely treating myself to the Spanish Inquisition lately. It's a bit wearing, but there is method to my madness. The choices I've made and the direction of my life the last few years was decidedly not what I wanted. I let myself go along with other choices. I let myself be swayed by others. I formed some really bad habits, and some of them desperately need to be broken.

But I've been finding out some lovely things about myself as well. And instead of beating myself up for the stupid things I've done, I've decided I want to list some of the wonderful things I'm discovering. I need a bit of a boost today.

I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible.
I am beautiful.
I am honest. Sometimes too much so.
I am deep.
I am intelligent.
I am kind.
I am passionate.

I haven't let myself be these things in a long time. I am enjoying forming myself outside of a relationship. I'm 8 months out from the end of my marriage. That's crazy to me. This summer it'll be a year of self-discovery. Sort of like a mid-mid-life crisis... I love it.

Also, 26 is scaring the HELL out of me for some reason. I like 25 much better. At least I have another 8 months til that happens!