"2010 in Review" or "The Year I Grew Up."

I'm looking back through old blog posts and waxing nostalgic at who I was a year ago. In the last year so many things have changed, I've changed, my life has changed. It's interesting to go backwards. So, in my nostalgia, I'm taking you with me. Hope you enjoy the ride.

January:

My very first post of the year was an obituary for my brother-in-law Gary. Gary killed himself right after Christmas last year. I had never dealt with death as an adult, and I didn't really deal with his either. My mother was in the hospital for surgery, and it was up to me to kind of coordinate and take care of everything. I was the grown-up, and soldiered on. I was so blessed to be gifted 5 days of paid time off at work to take care of my sister, and I had free babysitting from my cousin. It was so good to see Bobbie and Rex, but sad circumstances.

February:

I got pregnant! Though we didn't tell anyone until April, I got knocked up about Valentines day, and had a positive test to show Honey by the 22nd. I was so excited to get to do this surrogacy for my best friend. It really did define my year, as everything that happened later was all about me being healthy and safe, because I was caring for my best friend's son's life.

May:

We got to see Daemon for the first time, and saw he was a boy! My own life seemed to be slowly falling apart. I couldn't tell what was going on at the time, but things weren't happy around my house. I watched TV all the time, I'd lost a lot of weight from stress and morning-sickness. I wasn't being much of a mom, because I was so sick, tired, and unhappy. Not a good few months there...

July:

When it all went down. Discovered the affair, and the plans for a divorce attorney. Moved the hell out of dodge... and in with my mom. We decided I'd stay there until Daemon was born... she'd take care of me. And I really needed it. During July I lost 15 pounds, while 6 months pregnant. All my levels were bad... and my midwife was worried. Luckily some home cooking and some mommy healing made things better. I did get to spend more time with my boo, which was nice.

October:

The month of so many things! My birthday, Halloween, and the last month of Daemon's incubation. It was truly the longest month of my life. I started having false labor on the 8th, and it continued until Daemon's birth in November. I always thought labor was iminent. I felt terrible, huge, and sick. I was so ready to have this baby! I mean... look how huge I was! I thought it'd never come time...

November:

I went past my due date of Nov. 5 by 8 days!! Daemon was FINALLY born on November 13, after 60 hours of labor. I wrote my labor story out earlier in the blog, so I won't rehash. But it was life-changing. As was completing a family. I am so blessed to have gotten to be a part of this journey!!

And then? Then I got to move into my house! It's amazing. If you haven't seen it, you're missing out. I'm just sayin...

And now December:

It's been fun re-writing all our traditions for two. Bekah and I have had a lovely holiday season. We did a fun advent calender, went and saw Santa, and had Grammy over for Christmas Eve. It was lovely, and I can't wait to continue other traditions with Bekah. She's a pretty cool kid, and I love her so much.

So now this is my life, and I can't even write how much things have changed for me. It's like a new life, and I'm happy/thrilled/terrified about it. I can't wait for the next year of adventures for us... I hope you'll enjoy the ride as much as I do!

Enjoyed

So far this has been a lovely holiday weekend, and it's just beginning! Last night Bekah and I just hung out (nowhere to go in a snowstorm!) and ad fun playing together. After she went to bed, I dyed my blue hair purple. It looks like of indigo in the back now. Very cool, yet also more subtle than the blue was. I'll see if I like this better. And hopefully it won't turn green as it fades.

Then I did my yoga. I'm a purple haired yoga doer. :D

Today I put all the Christmas stuff away, and am cleaning the house. Ah what a lazy and relaxed start to my long weekend.

Stand by for a year in review post coming up :)

Happy Birthday my Darling

This day, 4 years ago I was laboring in a Hospital. I checked in Christmas evening, and my daughter was born the next evening. December 26, 2006 at 8:51 PM. She weighed 8 lbs and was 18.5 inches long (though there is some dispute on that length...)

I knew from the first time I held her, she was no ordinary child, and has proven to be everything I saw in her those first hours: observant, funny, smart and personable.

I love being her mother, and she is always teaching me so much. I have learned my strengths and my weaknesses, I have seen myself through her eyes and been stopped short. She is a tiny magnifying glass on my life... and it has helped me realize who I am, and who I want to be. Every year this birthday seems to come a little faster, and I can already feel her growing up, becoming autonomous. It makes me so happy to think that I'm doing my job right... that she is becoming an independent little girl who can think for herself.

Well without any further ado, I give you this year's birthday movie, as has become tradition it seems. Happy Birthday Bekah. And I'm so sorry for the whole, day-after-christmas-birthday thing.

Am I blue?

Metamorphosis. It is part of nature. It happens with most species, the most notable: The lowly caterpillar. He weaves himself a cocoon, and hides himself away. He emerges after the right amount of time, and is a completely newly formed creature.

You cannot rush that time. If you were to cut that bug out too early, would he be a living, beautiful butterfly? No. He comes out in his own time, and only nature knows that perfect moment.

Change comes in many forms, and it comes at it's own pace. You can't rush it. You can't hurry what you aren't in control of. So I'm letting go. I'm leaning into the fear.

I'm dying my hair blue. Check it out.

Rock on.

Crisis

I'm in crisis here, and I can't figure out why. Fresh starts are awesome. Right? Like, who doesn't wish they could just wake up one day and have a chance to reinvent their life?

Me.

Well, no that's not true. I've been waiting for this. I've been wishing and wanting nothing more than to start my new life. What I didn't expect was a total and complete identity crisis. I can't figure out who the hell I am anymore. I don't know what to do with this mess in my head. I question everything I do, say, think, wear. Is that really me? How can I answer that? I don't even know who me is.

So here I sit, word-vomiting onto my blog the complete and utter patheticness that has become me. I feel so completely lost. Like I'm floating in space.

How do I do this? I don't know how to do this. I've never been... alone before. Not like this. It's terrifying and I don't know if I can.

If I succeed, there is only me to thank. But if I fail at this... there is only myself to blame. I feel like I'm failing.

Ho Ho Hum

My mom and I took Bekah to go see Santa this weekend. She's never been brave enough to ask him for what she wants, but this year, she's been talking about the Unicorn Pillow Pet she wants so bad (apparently her one pillow pet is not enough...) and she actually told Santa that's what she wanted!

I really can't believe how big she's getting. In less than two weeks she'll be 4! Holy cow, where did the time go? I'm so glad I get so much time with her. I love that she's getting to an age where we can be friends, where she's actually really fun to hang out with!

Work is great, and I'm so glad to be back and back to normal (almost). I can make it through 8 hours easily now, and I can sit at my desk for longer periods without breaks. It's really quite nice to not feel so yucky all day.

I'm really loving our new place, and I'm slowly getting used to living alone. It's very different. It's funny, because of all the differences, only one really bothers me, and that's having no one to talk to. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of, or just chat with when I'm bored. That's kinda lonely. But other than that, I really love the autonomy and the freedom of being by myself. Also? Huge bed :)

Well off to bed now, but more blogs soon. With no one to talk to, all my awesomeness has to go somewhere, yeah?

Achoo

Our bodies are pretty fascinating machines. They work so many different functions, all at once, to keep us alive, upright and functioning. To truly understand the beauty of the universe, you simply contemplate the beauty of the simple functions we are able to do with these amazing machines.

So this makes me ponder... how does a microorganism called rhinovirus take all the wind out of that machine? It's tiny. Why can't our bodies fight it off without an epic battle of wills ensuing? Why are we the casualties of this war? I know that inevitably our bodies do win, but why does the battle come with so many casualties?

If you can't tell by now... I'm sick. I have been flooding my body with vitamin c (turns out I can absorb a lot more when I'm sick!) and zinc. I've also stayed crazy hydrated, and eaten well. I really did think, since I caught it so early I could stamp it out. My body is amazing, and with vitamins and minerals and fluids I could beat the nasty invaders.

Well, the Huns breached my great wall. I really hope that this is as bad as it gets though, maybe my early response system did do something. Until then, I just wait as my body fights it's hardest. Oh, and I totally ordered pizza for the first time in forever... sick people need pizza.

Fire Dragon

Life is up and down. Winter then summer, night and day, good then bad.

I guess happiness is finding some kind of gentle equilibrium, and weathering those changes as they come.

My life is like a terrifying roller coaster right now. The kind that the whole way up you're glad it's slow, you're enjoying the view, and trying so hard not to think about what's coming up... and then you feel it happen, the front of the car dips and starts pulling you down so fast your eyes water, your hair whips out behind you and you go so low, so fast, you think you might just crash.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this up and down, of the terrifying ride that is my life. I just want some sort of stability. I want to only rely on myself and not be in a position for other people to mess my life up so badly.

I want off the ride. I want to go on the merry-go-round ok?