Have you ever felt like you're fighting yourself? Like every choice, every motivation, every want or need is questioned through the process?
I'm definitely treating myself to the Spanish Inquisition lately. It's a bit wearing, but there is method to my madness. The choices I've made and the direction of my life the last few years was decidedly not what I wanted. I let myself go along with other choices. I let myself be swayed by others. I formed some really bad habits, and some of them desperately need to be broken.
But I've been finding out some lovely things about myself as well. And instead of beating myself up for the stupid things I've done, I've decided I want to list some of the wonderful things I'm discovering. I need a bit of a boost today.
I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible.
I am beautiful.
I am honest. Sometimes too much so.
I am deep.
I am intelligent.
I am kind.
I am passionate.
I haven't let myself be these things in a long time. I am enjoying forming myself outside of a relationship. I'm 8 months out from the end of my marriage. That's crazy to me. This summer it'll be a year of self-discovery. Sort of like a mid-mid-life crisis... I love it.
Also, 26 is scaring the HELL out of me for some reason. I like 25 much better. At least I have another 8 months til that happens!
Dashed lines
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Well I only got one reply on the hair... but I think I'll keep it in my hair style rotation. I wore it today in fact! They looked amazing with my cute vintage-looking shoes I got last week...
<3 them!
Well the crazy agent training at work went really well. It was nice to meet all our sales agents and start forming the relationship I'll need with them in the coming years. If I ever officially get the proposal coordinator position, I'll be working with them a lot. They were such nice guys, and it was crazy/hectic/fun running the events with Cindy.
Pretty much I'm enjoying my whole life. It's amazing how when you're settled, and content... that lift starts to just fall into place for you. When I say content I don't mean stagnant... I continue wondering, wanting, seeking and reaching. But I'm content within myself... happy with who I am. I'm having fun discovering things about me, and finding happiness in the little things.
I have some amazing friends... my heart is whole and happy. I have done some amazing things with my life, and I can't wait to see what's coming up for me tomorrow. This is going to be an amazing year, I can feel it in my bones.
Come along for the ride?
Va-va-voom
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'm still trying to figure out my life. It's a slow process. I start going down one path, then I question myself... why am I doing this? Is it because it's easy? Fast? What I really want?
Let's just say I keep ending up back where I was before. Well, I guess I am slogging through and making progress. Two steps forward, one step back.
Anyway, I've been loving some very vintage and retro styles lately, and since I'm at a complete loss for what my style is, I've decided to add a bit of rockabilly flair into the mix. And that means bright red lipstick (HOT!) and victory rolls.
After watching several youtube videos on victory rolls, I think I'm getting pretty good at them. Totally War Era Awesomeness.
Below are some pics of the hair. Let me know what you think. Is this hairstyle a keeper? I think so... :)
Let's just say I keep ending up back where I was before. Well, I guess I am slogging through and making progress. Two steps forward, one step back.
Anyway, I've been loving some very vintage and retro styles lately, and since I'm at a complete loss for what my style is, I've decided to add a bit of rockabilly flair into the mix. And that means bright red lipstick (HOT!) and victory rolls.
After watching several youtube videos on victory rolls, I think I'm getting pretty good at them. Totally War Era Awesomeness.
Below are some pics of the hair. Let me know what you think. Is this hairstyle a keeper? I think so... :)
I can
Monday, January 24, 2011
Given
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, and came upon a realization, that made me stop, think and reevaluate. I have discovered that I have spent many of the past years running on a quarter of a tank. This is the first time, in a very long time I've been anywhere close to full, and it's because of the people I am keeping around me.
I have discovered that many people in my life, friends, boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, they take what they need from me, and then don't really give back. That they know I'm kind, giving and helpful, and take advantage of that. My cup is never full, because I'm busy filling others.
By separating from those people, I've finally started to fill up again. And it feels amazing. No more people coming into my life and taking what they need from me, with no return. I'm done with that. I've separated myself from those negative friends who only want to speak ill of others, or get my sympathy. From the men who come to me for rebound healing before moving onto their next girlfriend, while never giving me anything more than a tumble. The coworkers who seek to manipulate me into doing their work, then taking the credit, or who simply want me to gossip about the other.
By separating from these people I feel like I'm finally filling up again, and I don't think I'm going to be as willing to open my cup for just anyone anymore. I'm going to be far pickier with my love.
I have wonderful friends and family who give as much as they get, and they are helping me heal so beautifully. Without my mother, my sister, my Honey... I would have been empty a very long time ago! And newer friends who mean just as much to me. I'm healing, I'm filling up, and it's wonderful.
To a very full new year!
I have discovered that many people in my life, friends, boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, they take what they need from me, and then don't really give back. That they know I'm kind, giving and helpful, and take advantage of that. My cup is never full, because I'm busy filling others.
By separating from those people, I've finally started to fill up again. And it feels amazing. No more people coming into my life and taking what they need from me, with no return. I'm done with that. I've separated myself from those negative friends who only want to speak ill of others, or get my sympathy. From the men who come to me for rebound healing before moving onto their next girlfriend, while never giving me anything more than a tumble. The coworkers who seek to manipulate me into doing their work, then taking the credit, or who simply want me to gossip about the other.
By separating from these people I feel like I'm finally filling up again, and I don't think I'm going to be as willing to open my cup for just anyone anymore. I'm going to be far pickier with my love.
I have wonderful friends and family who give as much as they get, and they are helping me heal so beautifully. Without my mother, my sister, my Honey... I would have been empty a very long time ago! And newer friends who mean just as much to me. I'm healing, I'm filling up, and it's wonderful.
To a very full new year!
Shop-a-holic
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's true. I have a problem. One I'm not likely to kick this year. I won't even bother adding it to my "resolutions." Nope, I'm a Shop-a-holic and proud! And I found this place that has some great wall art and decor and I can't wait to get some cute stuff for my front room!
I am a huge fan of online shopping. I love not having to go over hill and dale to find what I need... especially with a 4-year-old in tow!
Now I'm in my new place, my biggest hurdle has been decorating my walls. I have these huge square rooms with lots of wall space. I really need to find something cool for over my couch, and Bekah's bedroom on her green walls....
They have some really cute vinyl phrases and kid's decor I'm eying for Boo's room... And some freaking awesome clocks I'm absolutely in love with! Wouldn't a huge clock look awesome over my couch?
Sigh. New Years Resolutions be damned... I wanna shop!
I am a huge fan of online shopping. I love not having to go over hill and dale to find what I need... especially with a 4-year-old in tow!
Now I'm in my new place, my biggest hurdle has been decorating my walls. I have these huge square rooms with lots of wall space. I really need to find something cool for over my couch, and Bekah's bedroom on her green walls....
They have some really cute vinyl phrases and kid's decor I'm eying for Boo's room... And some freaking awesome clocks I'm absolutely in love with! Wouldn't a huge clock look awesome over my couch?
Sigh. New Years Resolutions be damned... I wanna shop!
Learned, Forgiven and Discovered.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Those three words describe my review of the past year.
I have learned about myself, my limits, my strength, my abilities. I had no idea the strength that resided in my body. In the darkest moments, in my solitude I was pushed to the edge of being and came back with knowledge: I am amazing. I deserve be treated that way. I know this about myself now, and won't take less than I deserve. I'm smart, funny, beautiful and deeply passionate. I am strong and able.
I have forgiven those that hurt me. I understand that forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is freedom from anger and bitterness. It is the ability to move on from those injuries that can keep us tied to those moments in time. Forgiveness is healing and wonderful. It came second to the learning. Once I learned who I was, I began to forgive. Because I learned I deserve to be free.
I discovered a person forgotten. A funny, smart, artistic person who loves music, art and poetry. Someone who wears band t-shirts and does funky stuff with her hair. I'd forgotten her, I'd left her, I've missed her. It's enchanting to discover her again and remember her passion and love of life.
This year is going to be amazing for me. I just know it. Things will settle down, life will become calm and wonderful again.
Thank you 2010. You taught me some painfully wonderful things. And now it's time to grow, and change.
I have learned about myself, my limits, my strength, my abilities. I had no idea the strength that resided in my body. In the darkest moments, in my solitude I was pushed to the edge of being and came back with knowledge: I am amazing. I deserve be treated that way. I know this about myself now, and won't take less than I deserve. I'm smart, funny, beautiful and deeply passionate. I am strong and able.
I have forgiven those that hurt me. I understand that forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is freedom from anger and bitterness. It is the ability to move on from those injuries that can keep us tied to those moments in time. Forgiveness is healing and wonderful. It came second to the learning. Once I learned who I was, I began to forgive. Because I learned I deserve to be free.
I discovered a person forgotten. A funny, smart, artistic person who loves music, art and poetry. Someone who wears band t-shirts and does funky stuff with her hair. I'd forgotten her, I'd left her, I've missed her. It's enchanting to discover her again and remember her passion and love of life.
This year is going to be amazing for me. I just know it. Things will settle down, life will become calm and wonderful again.
Thank you 2010. You taught me some painfully wonderful things. And now it's time to grow, and change.
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