I can

Whenever I forget how strong I am... I just remember where I've been. I did something amazing. I can do anything.

Given

I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, and came upon a realization, that made me stop, think and reevaluate. I have discovered that I have spent many of the past years running on a quarter of a tank. This is the first time, in a very long time I've been anywhere close to full, and it's because of the people I am keeping around me.

I have discovered that many people in my life, friends, boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, they take what they need from me, and then don't really give back. That they know I'm kind, giving and helpful, and take advantage of that. My cup is never full, because I'm busy filling others.

By separating from those people, I've finally started to fill up again. And it feels amazing. No more people coming into my life and taking what they need from me, with no return. I'm done with that. I've separated myself from those negative friends who only want to speak ill of others, or get my sympathy. From the men who come to me for rebound healing before moving onto their next girlfriend, while never giving me anything more than a tumble. The coworkers who seek to manipulate me into doing their work, then taking the credit, or who simply want me to gossip about the other.

By separating from these people I feel like I'm finally filling up again, and I don't think I'm going to be as willing to open my cup for just anyone anymore. I'm going to be far pickier with my love.

I have wonderful friends and family who give as much as they get, and they are helping me heal so beautifully. Without my mother, my sister, my Honey... I would have been empty a very long time ago! And newer friends who mean just as much to me. I'm healing, I'm filling up, and it's wonderful.

To a very full new year!

Shop-a-holic

It's true. I have a problem. One I'm not likely to kick this year. I won't even bother adding it to my "resolutions." Nope, I'm a Shop-a-holic and proud! And I found this place that has some great wall art and decor and I can't wait to get some cute stuff for my front room!

I am a huge fan of online shopping. I love not having to go over hill and dale to find what I need... especially with a 4-year-old in tow!

Now I'm in my new place, my biggest hurdle has been decorating my walls. I have these huge square rooms with lots of wall space. I really need to find something cool for over my couch, and Bekah's bedroom on her green walls....

They have some really cute vinyl phrases and kid's decor I'm eying for Boo's room... And some freaking awesome clocks I'm absolutely in love with! Wouldn't a huge clock look awesome over my couch?

Sigh. New Years Resolutions be damned... I wanna shop!

Learned, Forgiven and Discovered.

Those three words describe my review of the past year.

I have learned about myself, my limits, my strength, my abilities. I had no idea the strength that resided in my body. In the darkest moments, in my solitude I was pushed to the edge of being and came back with knowledge: I am amazing. I deserve be treated that way. I know this about myself now, and won't take less than I deserve. I'm smart, funny, beautiful and deeply passionate. I am strong and able.

I have forgiven those that hurt me. I understand that forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is freedom from anger and bitterness. It is the ability to move on from those injuries that can keep us tied to those moments in time. Forgiveness is healing and wonderful. It came second to the learning. Once I learned who I was, I began to forgive. Because I learned I deserve to be free.

I discovered a person forgotten. A funny, smart, artistic person who loves music, art and poetry. Someone who wears band t-shirts and does funky stuff with her hair. I'd forgotten her, I'd left her, I've missed her. It's enchanting to discover her again and remember her passion and love of life.

This year is going to be amazing for me. I just know it. Things will settle down, life will become calm and wonderful again.

Thank you 2010. You taught me some painfully wonderful things. And now it's time to grow, and change.

"2010 in Review" or "The Year I Grew Up."

I'm looking back through old blog posts and waxing nostalgic at who I was a year ago. In the last year so many things have changed, I've changed, my life has changed. It's interesting to go backwards. So, in my nostalgia, I'm taking you with me. Hope you enjoy the ride.

January:

My very first post of the year was an obituary for my brother-in-law Gary. Gary killed himself right after Christmas last year. I had never dealt with death as an adult, and I didn't really deal with his either. My mother was in the hospital for surgery, and it was up to me to kind of coordinate and take care of everything. I was the grown-up, and soldiered on. I was so blessed to be gifted 5 days of paid time off at work to take care of my sister, and I had free babysitting from my cousin. It was so good to see Bobbie and Rex, but sad circumstances.

February:

I got pregnant! Though we didn't tell anyone until April, I got knocked up about Valentines day, and had a positive test to show Honey by the 22nd. I was so excited to get to do this surrogacy for my best friend. It really did define my year, as everything that happened later was all about me being healthy and safe, because I was caring for my best friend's son's life.

May:

We got to see Daemon for the first time, and saw he was a boy! My own life seemed to be slowly falling apart. I couldn't tell what was going on at the time, but things weren't happy around my house. I watched TV all the time, I'd lost a lot of weight from stress and morning-sickness. I wasn't being much of a mom, because I was so sick, tired, and unhappy. Not a good few months there...

July:

When it all went down. Discovered the affair, and the plans for a divorce attorney. Moved the hell out of dodge... and in with my mom. We decided I'd stay there until Daemon was born... she'd take care of me. And I really needed it. During July I lost 15 pounds, while 6 months pregnant. All my levels were bad... and my midwife was worried. Luckily some home cooking and some mommy healing made things better. I did get to spend more time with my boo, which was nice.

October:

The month of so many things! My birthday, Halloween, and the last month of Daemon's incubation. It was truly the longest month of my life. I started having false labor on the 8th, and it continued until Daemon's birth in November. I always thought labor was iminent. I felt terrible, huge, and sick. I was so ready to have this baby! I mean... look how huge I was! I thought it'd never come time...

November:

I went past my due date of Nov. 5 by 8 days!! Daemon was FINALLY born on November 13, after 60 hours of labor. I wrote my labor story out earlier in the blog, so I won't rehash. But it was life-changing. As was completing a family. I am so blessed to have gotten to be a part of this journey!!

And then? Then I got to move into my house! It's amazing. If you haven't seen it, you're missing out. I'm just sayin...

And now December:

It's been fun re-writing all our traditions for two. Bekah and I have had a lovely holiday season. We did a fun advent calender, went and saw Santa, and had Grammy over for Christmas Eve. It was lovely, and I can't wait to continue other traditions with Bekah. She's a pretty cool kid, and I love her so much.

So now this is my life, and I can't even write how much things have changed for me. It's like a new life, and I'm happy/thrilled/terrified about it. I can't wait for the next year of adventures for us... I hope you'll enjoy the ride as much as I do!

Enjoyed

So far this has been a lovely holiday weekend, and it's just beginning! Last night Bekah and I just hung out (nowhere to go in a snowstorm!) and ad fun playing together. After she went to bed, I dyed my blue hair purple. It looks like of indigo in the back now. Very cool, yet also more subtle than the blue was. I'll see if I like this better. And hopefully it won't turn green as it fades.

Then I did my yoga. I'm a purple haired yoga doer. :D

Today I put all the Christmas stuff away, and am cleaning the house. Ah what a lazy and relaxed start to my long weekend.

Stand by for a year in review post coming up :)

Happy Birthday my Darling

This day, 4 years ago I was laboring in a Hospital. I checked in Christmas evening, and my daughter was born the next evening. December 26, 2006 at 8:51 PM. She weighed 8 lbs and was 18.5 inches long (though there is some dispute on that length...)

I knew from the first time I held her, she was no ordinary child, and has proven to be everything I saw in her those first hours: observant, funny, smart and personable.

I love being her mother, and she is always teaching me so much. I have learned my strengths and my weaknesses, I have seen myself through her eyes and been stopped short. She is a tiny magnifying glass on my life... and it has helped me realize who I am, and who I want to be. Every year this birthday seems to come a little faster, and I can already feel her growing up, becoming autonomous. It makes me so happy to think that I'm doing my job right... that she is becoming an independent little girl who can think for herself.

Well without any further ado, I give you this year's birthday movie, as has become tradition it seems. Happy Birthday Bekah. And I'm so sorry for the whole, day-after-christmas-birthday thing.