Dreams

Oh my dear blog, it's been far too long.

Last weekend marked one year since I started my journey, my new life, and this blog. I need to not neglect it! My life is incredibly exciting right now, and I'm on the cusp of attaining so many things I have been wanting for so long. I'm beginning the process to buy a house, I'm working toward getting back to school to get a degree, and I'm more financially stable than I've ever been, thanks to a great job. My life is starting to finally turn out the way I'd dreamed, and I'm doing it myself.

Not that I'm alone, I have fantastic friends, family, and a loving boyfriend to support me. But these goals are mine, and I am so happy to be accomplishing them for me.

Exciting things are coming, and I don't have as much time to update as I'd like... but I promise to come back more often.

For you.

Then and Now.

Daemon is 6 months old. How crazy is that? It seems like just weeks ago he was new and squirmy. The world was different 6 months ago. How can so much change in so little time? I used to think that babies defied time. They grew so fast they were mocking it. Now I really think they embody time. They show us how much really does change in a day, a week, a month, a year. So much we hardly notice. We see it in our children, because it's a physical manifestation... but in ourselves it's so much more subtle.

6 months ago I had just had a baby. I was tired and sore... relieved and exhausted. My room was my mom's living room, shared with my daughter. I wasn't very happy with my situation, but understood the need to be taken care of... to be in a home. I was being taken care of by the most amazing women, most especially my mother, and Briana, my dear midwife...

I was single, a few months out from the end of my marriage. I felt like I was on the cusp of a new life, and I remember impatience to see it come to fruition.

Today my body is back to normal (minus quite a bit of weight) I am tired and sore from planting flowers at my house. My home. Just me and Bekah, living in our own house... independent and loving it. My mom's house is back to normal. My mom still takes care of me, but my world has a hole in it where Briana was. I miss her.

I'm in a relationship with an amazing man, who loves me, truly and completely. What more could I ask for there?

My life has started... and every day I'm trying more and more to be present in the moment. To live for today, and not in yesterday. I have this bright future ahead of me... but more important is the now. Right this moment? I am so very, completely, utterly happy.

A path affirmed.

I'm truly in wonder at how much the death of my favorite midwife has been affecting me. In the grand scheme of things, I knew her a very short time. I met her in May of last year... almost a year ago. Initially our relationship was a very warm, yet professional one. As my pregnancy wore on, and the days and weeks grew longer, she became a friend.

I remember my last clinic appointment with her... I was 40 1/2 weeks along, and at the end of my very frayed rope. It was time. Time for my life to get started, time to be back in my own body. Time.

She told me something amazing that day. She said that we are organisms under the same laws of nature as everything else. We are born, we reproduce, we die. All things have a beautiful, natural time table. Just like flowers always bloom, babies are always born. She taught me to trust in that natural time-line. I knew that wasn't just to comfort me, but that she lived that same way herself.

I look at the untimeliness of her death, and feel that same pit in my stomach I did at her office that day. I know if she were here, she would tell me to trust in the forces I can't see. That everything has a season, and even though I don't like it or understand it, there is something beyond us that does understand.

She was a wise, smart, deep woman. I am still learning from her. I will continue to try and live in her example. One of my life goals is now cemented in place. When Rebekah is older, I plan on pursuing midwifery. I do it because of Briana. Because of what she taught me, and what she showed me.

Thank you Briana.

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Today I am mourning the loss of a friend. Briana was my midwife, but in the short year I knew her she quickly became a friend. 

Saturday she was tragically killed in a car accident. I can't even begin to describe my shock. She was so young, and had so much to still do. She saw her job as a calling, and it truly was. She was called to do this work. I feel like there is a piece of my heart missing, and a hole in the world where she was. It's incredible to me I'll never see her again. 

I am so grateful that we had a wonderful photographer document my birth, more than ever now. Thank you Carolee for creating this beautiful birth story. I see these pictures of Briana and remember the incredible woman she was.

 I'll never forget the first time I met Briana. I hadn't expected someone so young when that door opened up. There she was, not much older than me, and ready to guide me through the unknown world of home birth. Her calm wisdom struck me immediately. I could sense she was incredibly deep under that very serene exterior. The deep kind of wisdom and strength that made you feel stronger, just being around her.

 Briana saved me. She was my anchor when I felt like I was out of control. She was my guide when I was scared. Through 60 exhausting hours of labor, she infused me with her calm strength. 

 She taught me to trust my body, and to trust myself. She showed me how wonderfully strong I am. I learned what I was capable of. She held my hand through the worst and best moments of my life. I am forever changed by her.

 I will miss her sweet smiles; her wise and well-thought words; her strong, soft hands; and the way she could immediately make the room warm with her presence. Briana will live on in the babies she birthed so calmly into the world, and the women she taught to trust their divinity.

Briana, you are so very missed.

Remember when my life wasn't insane? I do...

I'm sorry I'm so bad about updating this anymore. It's just that since the turmoil in my life has slowed down into normal, every-day bumps and scrapes, I no longer feel the need to post all my craziness. It also helps I have a someone to share (burden) my crazy with.

Yes, it's true. I'm in a relationship. His name is Mark, and I'm ecstatic that I'm with him. He and I actually met the last time Ben and I broke up... but the timing wasn't right. Then in November he sent me a message on facebook, asking if I remembered him etc. We struck up a friendship, and started seeing each other casually. We became best friends almost instantly, and by February we were spending every weekend together. I started feeling warm and fuzzy about him toward the end of February, but we were both fairly new out of relationships, and decided we should take it slow. A couple of weeks ago I met another guy, and agreed to go on a date with him, but before I could go on said date, Mark decided he really didn't want me dating other guys... and asked if I'd be his girlfriend.

Can I just tell you, I feel like a 15-year-old girl writing this? I've never done this whole, boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It's pretty much awesome. With Ben we just went so fast I never got to enjoy any of this dating stuff. It's pretty awesome.

And Mark is a great boyfriend... for the whole 11 days we've been together ;)

So yeah, work is still crazy, my life is very busy the next 6 weeks getting ready for Becca's wedding, and concerts and boyfriend.

<3

Isn't it strange the way things come about,
How change is like a tear here, a rip there?
At first you can't see the transformation
Quiet and slow it creeps up on you... different.

Little bits of yourself flutter away
Like paper confetti as you move.
Pieces of you fall away, never to be reclaimed
Leaving holes where they were.

I'm full of holes now.